check it,
its been a year
and blogger is different am i ?
i love the things i used to
im sad at the things i still struggle with
i feel stronger and yet weaker in most aspects of life
how is it that the same thought pattern returns
is it only when it is in my present that i really see myself
do i not see myself enough
i would like to check in
have a moderator so to speak
not necessarily to moderate but to correlate
to assess my patterns
to pattern my life
to confirm the strengths and weaknesses
to say yeah i hear ya
to say yep thats what your thinking
how to self confirm...
if only to ease what seems like circle

tips for lonliness

dont watch love movies
dont watch movies where others are lonely
dont watch tv series about successful relationships
don't watch anything, get out of the fucken house fool!

the loss of loss

so its bemusing
one moment fine
thinking interview is going well
relating well to people
...
how distorted is my perception
and then
they "had a better candidate"
...
i don't think im made for working
i know! repetition!
....
why don't i do anything about it ?
why have i never taken a leap of faith into fashion?
a leap of faith into work life?
socially i leap, so whats the go ?
freudian father complex i reckon
... easier to place blame elsewhere
i haven't done anything
nothing ventured, nothing gained

maybe i should throw myself out of my own life and invite someone else in
i really want someone to tell me what to do

blue blue heart

its not cold but its blue
its like its been drained
it cried out all the salty warmth
and now it is blue
it sinks into the body
as heat rises and cool falls
i feel its drop

i never wanna forget this ladies words

http://www.etsy.com/storque/search/title/yokoo/
how beautiful is her philosphy on living!
given life to live
you are in control
if only i could trust in myself like her
she is beautiful, i hope we are all connected so i can say im so proud of that bit of me :)

immersed

farting like a champion


baked beans hmmmm

im surrounded in the stench of my own contemplation of shit

it seems like a disgusting course of play

i wish to leave a pursue other avenues but this is the one i have chosen

stuck in a loop

hooked to the circle

how is it that when i see something really inspiring, initially enlivened I am soon down and critical about my own endevours

i don't do this

or that

or when i think about the statement " once you realise you are in control of your life " i still don't believe it

questioning...who would of thought that was part of my character :P

Do u trust i have a good heart ?
Sometimes i think maybe i am selfish and that im not doing things for the right reasons,
even though i think i am!
Should i be less loud, or am i really trying to make people happy and live lighter or is that my ego ?
Sometimes i don't know, i used to know and now i doubt!

I was told by a psychic on the weekend not to listen to the other thoughts but the ones told to me by my heart... i wish that it was all i heard :)

whats inside

people hold dreams and realities
ideas and then the products
the writing and then the book

whats inside me
chaos
amidst it, are centres of glowing inspiration
tangled they know not of their value or can see their relevance to each other

so lets say i go for 5 balls of inspiration,
none of which can see but a glimmer of each other
how do i fuse them to rid myself of the chaos
to create a tranquil place of bonded strength ???

as it is
i know only moments of strength, of clarity
dislocated from other moments
no moment more clear and resolute to enable this dissipation of confusion

i do want peace but do i have to give up energy to have it ???
i don't think so but i don't see peace, i don't see tolerance, i don't see injustice, without a fight!

sitting here

i've met some travellers and
i've met some people who are going travelling
i've met some people who change towns in order to experience a different perspective
i know all of these states
i never lose control though, even when i probably have, i haven't acknowledged its presence!
im just as scared of what i do have, as what i don't have!
im scared about not following my passion
im scared about following my passion
im scared about people dominating my thoughts
im scared about pushing people away and being left with my own

and just when im comfortable with who i am and what im doing,
it seems there is an interruption of someone (usually as opposed to something) that makes me feel like i havent shown good heart and passion but in fact a display of selfishness or egotistical nature or something that just makes you feel dirty about what you have done.

when others seem so certain about things, what they want and where they are going,
im in a state of "maybe"
and then when i find out they are not happy, were not certain and things have gone terribly awry
it doesn't provide clarity but makes things again seem difficult to choose!
so don't choose... my friend would say! but i do choose, i choose to listen to him, to be there, to live in a house... all things i chose.
he to chooses, but he still thinks he does not choose. sure once your in the circumstance you cant dictate your reactions completely but most of the time you choose to be there. he choose to message me and see if i wanted to hang out, that was a choice
so i don't know how "not to choose"
and maybe this is an excuse
and maybe it is my nature
i have always found although i'd like to be open, i always have something that tells me im still thinking, still choosing!

Scared to partake in life

Sometimes it scares me,
the interactions i have.
A non tonal or without the clarity of face interactions
And then the reinterpretation of past events.
I don't think i could do them again.
I don't think I want the future uncertainity.
Even the simple act of sleepin... will my dog be ok, did i do or say the right thing!
It scares me.
What is to become of me,
how do i make a decision?
How can others dictate my actions.
What am i doing and does it make sense!
Random is good, till u think of the repercussions o ur emotional self!

Talking to myself isn't enough

"hoping to find the lost splintered pieces of ourselves" (united states of tara)
sometimes there is just no one to talk to, how is it with so many people out there.... lost

Strength in a physical standing and emotional distance

Way before the tshirts, he used to hold me, with his big strong arms and tell me to toughen up! Even as i cried cause i didnt know wat to do, i felt safe in those arms! I used to joke about him having a front backpack which i could sit and cuddle him in while he went about his work. At that stage i didnt eat much and i said people would barely notice!

Dimly lit

There is no doubt on the truth of the questions! Thus to question the unquestionable is to be untrue to the soul! Wat greater gift than the choice to decide and the audacity to stand by urself, ur own doppleganger, urself no longer a victum but a team, one to reassure and back u at ur best odds! I miss introversion, i miss doodling, these things should have there own time, above and beyond other priorities! I am here to stay!

in the movies vs real life

watching movies of strength and overcoming adversity makes me feel weak and silly that im emotional over the things that i am!
Its only in independence of creating something that i fee stronger! Like there is a little bit of claire out there in the world!
And why is it I have to be out there! ?
Cause otherwise i don't feel alive! Without validation it seems somewhat obsolete!But the validation is only thru me, of how proud i feel. I think work although validated isn't by me and thus it isn't sustaining! Is not satisfying!
I never gave myself the freedom to fly with work, it was like it must be done, not u choose ur own adventure!

To independence

what say ye

i think but do i really say! I barely influence my own sense of self, why is it i don't believe my own intuition. learn to trust, maybe then i shall find the right path... is it the longing that keeps me from it!

materialism is a little bothering

after seeing "the 11th hour" i've been re-invigerated with a plight against my own materialism. i used to avoid buying large goods so that i could always move on but i actually think my buying of crap including rubix cubes and the like are also a downfall. the amount of mass waste even when it comes to old computers is ridiculous! how this can be avoided is a politician's nightmare but my nightmare of my own materialism still plagues me.

fighting what is the natural flow of society is really difficult! don't buy! who wants to follow that mantra!

comparisons are shit!

i see others creating their families, sharing their lives!

and i feel old!

i fell like mine is without this fitted bond that makes u keep going.

i look at my fish and roofus and where my love and energy goes and it seems less forfilled.

people having babies, getting married and falling in love is really starting to make me angry and i wonder why!

is it because they r recognised, is it cause it seems valid and they r validated by society!

my events all seem distant and unrewarding in retrospect and yet at the time they feel right!

does thinkin and wanting more negate wat im doing!

am i denying my own validation by looking for too much, are my comparisons my own worst enemy! is lookin at others lives, slowly killing my soul, my passion ?

how can i live without placing my circumstance relative to others ???

when things look flat

its amazing what a dream can do to brighten your flat times.
last nights dream was a relative gay martigra! and this morning i was enlivened with spirit!
if dreams were reality, my world would be warped and im undecided if it would be more or less frightening and or enlivening than life :) i sway in both directions on this one.
is life or dreams more....

unforfiled time

feelings, uncatered for, internalised in the subconcious, unacknowledged and thus unexplored. LOST