pee time

grrrr i'll write this and then pee

resist, resist and again, "jane fonda resist"

"feel the burn" i used to love it when she said that

what a sexy ass bitch :)

anyhow i was going to add to the many blogs ranting about the onset of xmas but fuck it, i'll induldge in the fact that its a built up and maybe find a friend to do something bizarre with.... searching, searching.... ok well maybe it'll be all about moi :) and some inventive headspace to induldge in :)

watching blood

i sit watching blood drip, with a plop sound into the toilet bowl

it dispiates slowly, the thicker more gluggy consistency forming jellyfish blobs which bop around

thats my blood in that bowl

im a leaky vessel

taking corners fast

i've decided i'm sick of hanging with these people who fear living.
fear doing things and a stuck in a society bound world of restriction.
i'm going to actively seek people who say "fuck it" and give it a go anyway. i think i did this anyway but now i'm not settling for less... or realistically at least until i need friends.

i wanna hang with the people who like to take corners fast.
go exploring in deserted buildings when they walk by
say "come on" and run to things cause they are so excited
and who i'm happy to go on random roadtrips to nowhere and i'll know that it'll be good just cause they inspire me

damn i want this

company i keep

i pride myself on being casual and having a lax attitude not because i don't know anything more dignified but i enjoy comedic banter at a semi-feral level.
on reflection on the company i thus tend to keep i don't seem to have many intelligent, witty humoured friends. they seem to be a rarer species as i age too. like is it so impossible to have intellegence and bare bummed humour ? i see people, who look like they have it and i wonder why my attraction barrier is up with them.i would really like to know how i seem to have friends from ever sector of every stereotype bar the one that is similar to me. i must search more for the rare species, hunt down and mate with it!
if anything is lacking in my life its equal company. not that you necessarily need equality to have good company but bloody hell it'd be nice once in a while.i don't think i'm cool enough when i'm around these people, for some reason i don't fair well. i was watching the virgin suicides last nite and kirsten dunst has this semi ackwardness when she kisses the trip dude, but somehow cool people seem to make this akwardness seem cool and dags like me just seem akward. i strive to be comfortable only to be shown up by t.v yet again.i think its time for less comparison and more doing tho.

oooo new link box

perhaps i was behind the times but i don't believe i had a link box before and really i read how to use it and too much work at mo

offical blowup
blow out
blown fuse
big badazzle

blown eh... its a popular term really, to make comment to the bursting of a bubble.
how is it everything is so dramatic and undealable in the moment and later i am able to distance myself and say "what a tool"
i partially blame being a woman, a veritable waiting to burst bubble of emotions and chemical composition.
i reliquish,
i hand over the joy stick,
i can't fucking deal with being so emotional,
body change now please mr controller :)

overopinionated troublemaker

my mouth is a big overopinionated troublemaker.
often it serves me well in terms of outlandish commentary of a semi - eclectic nature
othertimes i am a dogmatic, tool :P
anyhow enough beration. maybe i can convert the crap to cool or maybe i'll just end up feelin like this :
"insert image "which am incapable of doing" of napolean dynamite"

feckers

i wish there was a fucken category called fuckin feckers and their fucken stigmata into ur life.
sometimes i just can't deal with people and their talk, i've spent an hour listening to family ramblings and now i'm so fucken irrate i can't say anything without a "i told u so" tone or a "fucken think about it !!" tone.
i definitely have an attitude problem and as much as i know i have one, i can't think of any other satisfactory way to deal with the little feckers

foot in mouth

ooo just put my foot in it at work and told boss well i could always just take a sicky to get my way.... aaahh oops
now i can't stop thinking about how he probably thinks im a snappy tom... oh well its done now :P

world of possibilities

anyway i was going to put which music i was listening too...it didn't come up so its www.myspace.com/themotifs
i was looking for the rollerskates (perth band) if they are on here help me ? and i found this chick, she's quite good, she reminds me of some hippy love chant which is sort of cool
can't get enough action... i seem to always want to do a little more and never quite get there... presumeably cause i invent more things i want to do... i envision a world of infinite possibility and wonder if it would be forfilling
no comments on how this world is that world, this does not go with that at susans.

im obsessed with these random generators that tell me they know me,

i think someone must know what's going on if i don't

Your Fortune Is

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

i love this thing, i also love the real thing :)

Your Fortune Is

Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Insane Spice Trader. Where You Lived: Texas. How You Died: Decapitation.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Birthdate: September 3

You are more than a big ball of energy - you are a big ball of hyper. You are always on the go, but you don't have a type a personality. Instead of channeling your energy into work, you instead go for fun and adventure. Witty and verbal, you can have an interesting conversation with anyone. Your strength: Your larger than life imagination Your weakness: You tend to be pretty scattered Your power color: Lime Your power symbol: Lightening bolt Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

don't yeah hate that i was gonna write something and now i've forgotten.... damn work interference :)

thats right.

i've been a whiny little bugger on me blog lately

i've been reading some other blogs and if they aren't boring as batshit, they are uber way to happy (spew) or as similarly whiny .... the world has a case of poor me syndrome i reckon.

anyhow its rare to get an exception

i think that people who write are generally not as active / have a booming anything... sad but true. to be more reflective you can't really be that busy :P

so i thought id be all fancy and mobile blog... yes well only open to US customers eh

so i wrote on the run :

title: testing testing for when im drunk and poetic :)

oooo the convenience of clogging from ur phone :) the expression into the airwaves of the discontent which breeds a suppository of script. See what i mean, billshit in a bottle. as opposed to my journal which no ones eyes get directed toward. there is an extension in typing into a phone like someone is going to know about it, very refreshing i've decided :) check

aaa i've discovered the sentence breaker, balls will be broken. check $

i read something today,

apparently chilli's give you a better REM deep sleep... i'm going to chilli it up! hot and spicy claire

i find the fluctuation in energy pattern that i go through weird and disturbing

it makes me think that there are factors other than bodily ones that influence me!

i'm definitely not in control

yesterday i was fucked, it perpetuated the fact that perhaps itd be better to be a man. without being one tho i can't say it would be. if visuals alone dictated tho i would definitely say men have a sweeter more casual existence. their bodily functions and functionality seem more congenial to the casual, fun loving lifestyle i strive for.

people are stupid, this includes me.

i mean we know nothing

you'd think be now we'd be living in a "brave new world" were you pop a pill to satisfy yourself.

how is it i spend the majority of my time trying to figure stuff out, i mean haven't they invented a program already that knows... so i don't have to think, i can just google the answer! i just don't understand how it is that we are so ill equipped or i don't even care that humans are ill equipped but surely there must be something that knows what's going on, i mean the idea of nobody, nada, no controlling pathway or dominant destiny seems stupid, like whats the point. and yet there is no evidence / proof that this is not the case... just a random haphazard adjustment of an unstable composition of elements.

anyhow it'd at least be nice / courteous to be informed what's going on :)

im so sick of arguing with myself

the moment when you can't breathe,

you watch the puke project out into the running water of the sink.

i close my eyes its like my whole body is needed to tighten and squeeze out the rejected content.

i feel ripped off, i feel like telling my body its wrong, its the little child that doesn't know what's right... "keep the food down... i want it...its just a hangover bod"

but i'm not in control, i don't know when the next uprising will occur, i wait and try and feel if i'm ok

i feel like i've been told off and i retreat to bed :)

the moment when you can't breathe,

you watch the puke project out into the running water of the sink.

i close my eyes its like my whole body is needed to tighten and squeeze out the rejected content.

i feel ripped off, i feel like telling my body its wrong, its the little child that doesn't know what's right... "keep the food down... i want it...its just a hangover bod"

but i'm not in control, i don't know when the next uprising will occur, i wait and try and feel if i'm ok

i feel like i've been told off and i retreat to bed :)

the world is surreal
reality is a facade
i swear things are getting harder and harder to be considered material! even touch is wearing thin, i look at my hand, move it and still don't own it :P

i'm not on drugs at this point, i wonder whether previous use, when i thought it was contributing to a different perspective actually made it harder for me to believe in reality. who can say i can't really go back now!

i walk across the road and almost need to retell my feet to keep walking. as i contemplate walking across it i can't decide if im actually walking across it or im a paun in a computer game that im just telling where to go using the up arrow :) in wondering what im actually doing i make it very hard to actually do things

how is it i function better when i'm fucked off with shit, please explain!!

i mean seriously its like when im not trying things work better, i try but i just don't get it.

how does not thinking = better functionality...

anyhow i'm fucked off, sick of people, what a load of tosspots, wankers, uninteresting, boring as fuck, self absorbed, not really that good, bunch of hypocryts (i don't even know how to spell it thats how unfamiliar i am with the word)! i mean really what does it take to be a little interesting and how come most people are so AVERAGE i mean why would you bother being average! shucks. and the fact that they look at you weird, like i've got something to be concerned about, at least i'm not so delusional that i get wrapped up in this thing called reality like it knows the truth :<> like daaaaaa ( i love lowering myself to rikki lake status "i mean lowest level of conversation over heeeeeere, i mean please"(much tone attached to this statement))

well it actually helps being fucked off with everyone to be nice to them. its like "whatever" i don't care about u, so i don't care if i get along with you or not... and you end up getting along with them better (well u think you do and as long as they are smiling its all good)

sometimes the randomness of attraction just fully shits me!

like really if i was to design an object that was attracted to another object, in this scenario me being object number one and lets say "going to work" being object number 2 (going to work is objectified as i have certain attraction to doing it) then i would surely design object number one's destiny to interact with object number 2 in a "that's the way its supposed to happen way" instead of the random haphazard manner in which it does occur. and perhaps objects 1 and 2 just are following their own chaotic journey's until they come in the vicinity of one another and then the attraction takes place then surely it should be a reaction, "bam" instead of a wishy washy "oh yeah lets give this a go, we'll see how it goes"!

the whole nature of interactions, the fact that there is only a limited amount of patterning (full credit to "god", there is shitloads but really its a pretty, not uncontrolled but unplanned environment that we live in. its like putting a whole load of paint colours into a jar a seeing which shade of poo brown it turns :)

i am regularly unimpressed with the "make it up as you go along" mentality in which i have to function, not that i mind making it up, the creative reality in which i parade is fine but its the "not knowing for what reason" part that just shits me.

easy queezy oh so not japanesey!

as much as i hate a giggling girl, its hard not to be consumed by someone!

wholely devoured is usually how i like to go,

and this time its certainly wholely obsessed!

i couldn't possibly make myself quiver anymore without there being no temperature differences

its noice :)

Contemplated using my buzznet site for my journal just then... then

can't decide whether i'm into the seperation as i want everyone to see my photos but not everyone to read my journal... or do i care... smee i'll just write on here today, decide tom :)

anyhow if life isn't way too simple for complication i don't know what is1

it really does seem that its one of those penultimate conundrums. i've mentioned a couple of times in various conversations recently that i think that we should revert to simplistic analysis. in doing so the solutions seem simple and do able.

for example i wanna work with earth process research and yet most of the time i'm in a jumble about what i wanna do... do something in earth process research, if its not satisfying, move on. easy. and yet how difficult do i make it sometimes

i am to become "involuntary reflex"

its the description of the zen state of living which is looking mighty appealing at the moment.

i just had the weirdest flash of inadequacy!

looking into the eyes of someone surrounded by their young kid riddled family and feeling i was never going to be on that level. the smile he gave me was almost pityful, like i would be forever a child myself, never doing or living in the "grown up" world...

felt like shit

i think its time....

to deck out a winnebago / caravan... get serious about the mobile home

i doubt i'll ever be stable and i think getting the caravan now would make travel and accomodation especially easy as... i could park in someone's driveway and forever have a place to rest my head and to drive around...

and ooo i've thought about decking out a car like adding carpet to the interior and stapling cards to the roof but decking out a caravan would just be the best :P

that fuckin shits me... i just wrote the blog... pressed publish... bam, its gone... error, error...grrrr

anyway i wrote something about how my personality is fighting with itself. equally extroverted and introverted, each side is constantly trying to prove its not the other... and to be honest itd be much easier to be introverted. my lack of committment to one personality over the other and one view over the other definitely reduced my depth of character as i can never establish a routine or consistency that brings satisfaction

at the same stage, my lack of acceptance of my own un-commital nature still gets me... i mean i know i'm consistently in a state of confusion and unwilling to choose one option over the other... and yet i still haven't learnt how to deal with this. perhaps i am playing the impossible card. i do sometimes tend to take the hard option just to prove either i'm not average or the same as others or that i'm able to handle it...

why... isn't it nicer to be easier on yourself sometimes ?

plan for august:

1st 2 weeks ... finish all projects of current involvement, don't start anything new.
2nd 2 weeks ... finalise what ag would offer and what other jobs would offer and apply for new positions

just read in new scientist:

when stimulated, activity drops in the amygdala and hippocampus (involved in alertness and anxiety) in women.

confirms findings that women cannot enjoy sex unless they are relaxed and free from worries and distractions, apparently from an evolutionary point of view, it could be that the brain switches off the emotions during sex because at such times reproduction and survival of the species become more important than survival of the individual

i look at my writings of the past couple of years

boy did i go on about what i'd lost, how i was maintaining a facade that i was no longer creating / contributing to.

and with reason but only after does it have perspective

with the absorption in doing things, in the mundane participant role of life, spurned by the fact that i was no longer self reliant but could partake in joint activity,
i was unable to balance it with the inventive / creative side which was a product of a solo and self perpetuated plight.

it really does seem as simple as, as yet i have been unable to successfully feel whole in both aspects as i have yet to be successfull at combining them.
i accentuate yet as i'm working on the balance principle now,
not to say i haven't tackled it before,
but with anewed interest in being able to invent myself and still feel like i'm not disregarding involvment.

easy to say when single i suppose.
the slight perversion of being involved with someone comes when you becomes lacks on being able to successfully still be acknowledging your own path.
it seems although i tried to still maintain my pursuits i ultimately didn't.

i must add that it may just have been my last relationship that i'm extending to the all relationships (just slightly) but i do notice even in friendship i seem to take a back seat in regards to my own desires.
i think in accomodating others ( because of my desire to please / serve like a good little virgo) i actually am holding back on my contribution, which could be fantastically better.

so how would this be possible ?
in contemplation i often don't actually concentrate on the how that much, i analyse and figure out the why and then the important, how ?

well if i maintain doing my interests i think this is when i am most successfull at combining interaction and self forfillment.
so when i've continued to be creative, make stuff, paint, buy music, have my band interests etc thats when i have been able to give and receive.

yay

it seems a bit simple and i know if tried to maintain these things in the past, its the all consuming, over involving part i take in relationships that i think is my downfall, my lack of prioritization of myself!

i tell ya i feel like living proof of freudian theory!

a product of my fathers own behaviour, i model and recreate his own destructive habits.

well at least i have pretty photos to keep me company

i find it funny that i've survived on this mentality thus far

constantly negating my own state of being

oh well, maybe tom i'll be revamped by my dreams :)

my current life perspective:

"live extravagantly
life is not a dress rehearsal"

i can't wait till i have more energy to live up to this statement!

r we all stupid in action but decent when we consider something...
is this why we are able to see the solution to others problems but completely miss our own.

considering myself pretty self aware,
its hard to discover that your natural reactions created an emotional state which you didn't predict.
i thought i honestly dealt with my feelings at the time, but it seems some of my reactions stalled dealing with loss.
i unfortunately realised i had the fear of loss but didn't acknowledge the emotional confidence i needed to deal with this fear,
to be honest i still don't know how i'm going to deal with it,
perhaps set myself up better in the future because i know its going to happen, its a natural part of the eb and flow of life but i can give myself the support structure i need...
well i hope

i found out today that jack black is single!
all this time my intentions could have been pyscho stalker mail :)
anyhow maybe if i wish hard enough i'll bump into him and it will be instanteous love... by the way bugger off naomi watts!

being a normal human being is really unsatisfying compared with the expectations you may have of yourself. one day i'll have more guts to actually forfill some lost dreams, hopefully this avo :)

the pace of my current activities is beyond what i wish.

i'm going to reduce what i think about ( altho highly improbably ) to encompass only the best of me in order to be my best... yes yes thats what i'll do :)

introducing MATTA he's a great surreal artist who paints his internal landscape and i think he's awesome :)

INTRO QUOTE
i don't believe i have yet explained my initial intro quote ( not that explaination is necessary but the connection, (although i remember it so i'm probably explaining for an audience....ahhhh shoosh the showman within ) of words to actuality would be nice ).

evolving strains of e coli bacteria.

1 environment was a gel 2 dimensional interaction enviro
1 environment was a watery 3 dimensional ineraction enviro

microbes in the watery soup evolved quicker but achieved a lesser level than the 2 dimensional gel eviro where microbes explored more genetic combinations and ultimately achieved a higher level of fitness peak.

perhaps this study is symbolic of the slow learning curve of life, where u may feel like u r laging behind but exploring more combinations of yourself than if u paved one pathway and achieved ur goals early without exploration... u'll end up not reaching the higher levels :) well its a good theory and me lagging behind wouldn't be a bad thing then :)

I feel like if i eat more meat i end up feeling more animalistic. like a more reactionary human being based more on doing things. if i honestly analyse my feelings this way then how am i feeling when i eat more vegan diet ? how do vegetables make me react ?


I just drove 2 hours on winde country road and i don't think i was ever looking at the road. away in a state i get in when it is cold out and the air smells fresh and it rains and i need to keep warm and i feel like staying inside and playing scrabble or painting and baking. i think its a reaction back to the roots of my comfortability !

sometimes it feels like if i stopped eating i would no longer be grounded.

i'd live on a semi-concious level, where my participation would be neither acknowledged or disowned. i don't feel physically here sometimes and i think if i really thought about it i could stop my own physical functioning just by thinking!

So i feel bloated and stuffed full of unnecessary.

i should really dispel a lot of information but i cling to it like nothing is worthless.
i need the scales to weight up the difference between me knowing information and not knowing / letting the information go to see if the extra burden i give myself actually pays off.

sometimes i think i should just forget about it and do stuff but i do revert back to being absorbed into detail and the postulations of whats happening. dealing with my reactions seems more logical

hey goodlookin

this is jack in a typical relaxing style. my idol he is and forever may his ass rock on !

beauty in the eye of the beerholder :)

my most recent foray into normality has taught me this...
i'm not supposed to go there :)

i have spent much time recently arguiing a perspective which the average jo unfortunately doesn't want
unfortunately that is if i was to try and accomodate myself to the average jo.
sad and disheartening as it is i may never be forfilled by normal. accept and embrace it i may but as a complete lifestyle i think never.

where r the people who think normal is not just boring but unliveable, why would u when there is an alternative.

more pertinent may be the fact that why is it i am so dead set against anything average and why do i constantly require something new to feel that i am living :)

It feels like i've been away from my trying vibe for a while.
I have been supported and allowed to let myself go and unfortunately not in the wild, run free sense.
There are times when u realise ur place in the world and how that means you judge what you should do. This discernment is something that i feel most when single. When forced to cater and take responsibility for all my actions.
In offending someone last nite, i suddenly realised this lack of discretion which isn't ever a hold back from being me feelin but more a making room for others to completely be themselves.
I feel good about the slap in the face it gave me and the perspective which allows me to watch others flourish and be less self absorbed and more self involved :)

Feelin tickety boo about me today yay!

Strange visions of self forfillment last nite left me hankering,
but on re-evaulation i was just wanting a bigger object for the job :)
and my hankering for a partner was quelled by a feeling of having all i need,
my own body and soul contents me now.

And thus my dancing on my own parade today :)

Its good to feel myself dance,
to watch myself interact and create smiles,
to involve myself and contribute,
and all i needed was me

The amount of time pish poshing about...
It seems that my life has become more involved in nothing.
Im doing more but its more that is less worth mentioning.
So i play tennis,
so i cooked a nice meal,
its not,
so i jumped out of a plane,
or so i joined a band...
even the appeal of a change of hair colour is losing its appeal....
although i am excited about the cut :)
i wonder how it is that i fail to be satisfied with the things i do,
or perhaps now i accept the dissatisfaction,
compared to when i was 15 when i said to myself... when i'm older i'll do that or forfill that need.
its the taking responsibility part which is so dissatisfying.
i have to be responsible for the fact that i aint doing anything cool :)

a general state of doing has taken over....
when it does it seems i'm not staring at the world but that the objects of the world hit me in the face as i pass through them. if i choose to look at things they become unreal and the reality of driving through an event seems to blur. its like when i look at my are and my fingers moving and wonder how we are connected and that i can't get rid of my own fingers they are an unchosen object to which i am stuck :)

this is the best underwater photo i've taken...now although my camera isn't that fancy i'm just chuffed with it... it does everything i need, take a photo, capture a seal woooooooo mamma thats what i'm talking about yay! it was taken in Nov 2004 and at Bremer bay the best dive site i've been to, highly recommended... talk to craig at the dive shop he'll show u all the best dive spots and is extremely helpful :) 

its a weird state of affairs, to be sure to be sure.
in times when alone i crave people, although maybe the case is more i crave amenable conversation! someone to tell who will be stimulated and in return respond and create further desire or intrigue.

how is it that the appeal of most fades with your own enthusiasm. either i put way too much of my own excitement into non-exciting people, creating a facade of an intriguing person or perhaps i've just had a run of bad luck. given people the chance to be the output of all they have when they 'haven't had much to give.

well credit where credit is due from now on.

this is me...only slightly tipsy from the wine but my eyes tell a different story...ahhh birthday bliss 

so this is my most recent photographic experience...taking photos of a powerful air jet blower to remove the top layers of soil and expose the roots of trees...cool eh! 

so what is expression, do i really think of anything myself.

what a product i am :)