plan for august:

1st 2 weeks ... finish all projects of current involvement, don't start anything new.
2nd 2 weeks ... finalise what ag would offer and what other jobs would offer and apply for new positions

just read in new scientist:

when stimulated, activity drops in the amygdala and hippocampus (involved in alertness and anxiety) in women.

confirms findings that women cannot enjoy sex unless they are relaxed and free from worries and distractions, apparently from an evolutionary point of view, it could be that the brain switches off the emotions during sex because at such times reproduction and survival of the species become more important than survival of the individual

i look at my writings of the past couple of years

boy did i go on about what i'd lost, how i was maintaining a facade that i was no longer creating / contributing to.

and with reason but only after does it have perspective

with the absorption in doing things, in the mundane participant role of life, spurned by the fact that i was no longer self reliant but could partake in joint activity,
i was unable to balance it with the inventive / creative side which was a product of a solo and self perpetuated plight.

it really does seem as simple as, as yet i have been unable to successfully feel whole in both aspects as i have yet to be successfull at combining them.
i accentuate yet as i'm working on the balance principle now,
not to say i haven't tackled it before,
but with anewed interest in being able to invent myself and still feel like i'm not disregarding involvment.

easy to say when single i suppose.
the slight perversion of being involved with someone comes when you becomes lacks on being able to successfully still be acknowledging your own path.
it seems although i tried to still maintain my pursuits i ultimately didn't.

i must add that it may just have been my last relationship that i'm extending to the all relationships (just slightly) but i do notice even in friendship i seem to take a back seat in regards to my own desires.
i think in accomodating others ( because of my desire to please / serve like a good little virgo) i actually am holding back on my contribution, which could be fantastically better.

so how would this be possible ?
in contemplation i often don't actually concentrate on the how that much, i analyse and figure out the why and then the important, how ?

well if i maintain doing my interests i think this is when i am most successfull at combining interaction and self forfillment.
so when i've continued to be creative, make stuff, paint, buy music, have my band interests etc thats when i have been able to give and receive.

yay

it seems a bit simple and i know if tried to maintain these things in the past, its the all consuming, over involving part i take in relationships that i think is my downfall, my lack of prioritization of myself!