i just had the weirdest flash of inadequacy!

looking into the eyes of someone surrounded by their young kid riddled family and feeling i was never going to be on that level. the smile he gave me was almost pityful, like i would be forever a child myself, never doing or living in the "grown up" world...

felt like shit

i think its time....

to deck out a winnebago / caravan... get serious about the mobile home

i doubt i'll ever be stable and i think getting the caravan now would make travel and accomodation especially easy as... i could park in someone's driveway and forever have a place to rest my head and to drive around...

and ooo i've thought about decking out a car like adding carpet to the interior and stapling cards to the roof but decking out a caravan would just be the best :P

that fuckin shits me... i just wrote the blog... pressed publish... bam, its gone... error, error...grrrr

anyway i wrote something about how my personality is fighting with itself. equally extroverted and introverted, each side is constantly trying to prove its not the other... and to be honest itd be much easier to be introverted. my lack of committment to one personality over the other and one view over the other definitely reduced my depth of character as i can never establish a routine or consistency that brings satisfaction

at the same stage, my lack of acceptance of my own un-commital nature still gets me... i mean i know i'm consistently in a state of confusion and unwilling to choose one option over the other... and yet i still haven't learnt how to deal with this. perhaps i am playing the impossible card. i do sometimes tend to take the hard option just to prove either i'm not average or the same as others or that i'm able to handle it...

why... isn't it nicer to be easier on yourself sometimes ?