as much as i'd like to be that person who everyone wants to know
im not
i don't want to be that person
i don't think im very good with people tho
good, meaning i could convey successfully my essence
i think i have more characteristics which are not ones you convey
nah thats bullshit
im just not that good at conveyance
just like im not good at sales
and im not good at showing off
and im not good at something else (sounds better in 3's)
i come away from a lot of interactions that don't involve booze and think i could have been "more"
but really i couldn't
because im not that good at conveyance, even tho there may be "more"
ive got boundaries and barriers and green picket fences
ive got insecurities and attitude and a physical latitude
i suppose the only reason im dissatisfied tho is because i'd like to convey more
is it ok to accept inadequacy at this
if i thought so i wouldn't be dissatisfied
i think i need to start doing more introverted activities
maybe i miss old friends and forfilling connections
maybe im always dissatisfied until i look to the past as a comparison and see good times
maybe im a grumpy old man
maybe im my father.... god no!(terrible but true)
from the easy going exteria to the hard to please sense of self
if im made to be this way then what would be my purpose?
who would make something that isn't pleased
if in lining up for lives i received the "never content" human role i'd have to be a bit pissed off
so im observing the "never content" nature of my being
nuh
still nothing, i have no reason as to why to be genetically built that way
maybe im not built that way but am choosing to be that way you say
i know im not like that
i choose equality and cruisiness and happy vibes, thats what i'd choose
and i'd say "bugger that" to doing the hard yards if i could choose easy street
i honestly don't think in the grand scheme of things there is a choice
the choice is to have interaction or not
to have a positive and a negative in order to "get ready to rumble"
and i personally got dealt me hand and me leg and all me little neurotransmitter bits and thats it!
sometimes i think i change and grow and la de da
and then cyclically i come back and realise ive just been getting by without really thinking to much about it
less thinking = more okness with things
i am what i am eh!
its all this changing that i try to do that is really how i go to shit
"the desire to be more than you are", who the fuck invented that!
nah im just shitty, i feel so emo right now
god those little fuckers shit me
i understand the need for change and the desire for change
its inherent, i feel it
just feels wrong sometimes, like im doing it wrong
i wish it was as simple as a computer program and i could just change the components and fix me
"press button now for new sense of self"
"press green button for greater sense of confidence and we'll include a free set of tits"
this blog has become my disgruntlement, im sure its not all bad and everything will be ok.... thats what they say
i see no end to the positive and negative nature of nature
so i'll wade through the disgruntlement, this is what i've become and i haven't conveyed it to anyone
