too generous

ive been told to assert caution
vulnerability is my middle name if i don't
limit my nature or more harshen it
"harden up"... how many people have said that to me
is it really my downfall?
i know im not that assertive with others
for my own sense of self no worries
but infliction of myself onto the world and i fall down
why is it i hold the sense of others above my own
i don't feel equal
i used to feel i just wasn't the same
it was a feeling i took solace in and perhaps a confidence
now it becomes my weakness
and how is weakness not valid
how is it we have to be strong
i could say i blame the individualistic society and the lack of family but apparently that isn't it.
will it be the case that if i look for and give so generously that i will always be let down?
not accepting the equal positive and negative in the world leading to me always not getting what i'd like, because i do look for people to be so abundant?
the facts would say i do get easily let down
the facts would say i do give to readily
the facts would say i do always think the grass may be greener in a parallel universe
do i need to start being a different way in order to accept this universe
do i need to become like it, to harden up and get a bit more evil, more protective
am i afraid of hurting someone else because i understand pain or am i afraid cause it means i have to stand up and be counted too
more and more i think none of it is true
and you make of it what you choice
the more complexity i put into things and i do
the more they will appear so
i do know that i have always put myself second
this may be environmental, a product of a second position to a siblings needs
this may be...many things
i suppose its now how i make sure im not doing that in the future
cause the product is pain
or am i just listening to my dad, fuck knows!
yesterday i felt i had new tools to live by
now i again feel lost in it all
am i a turtle that denys it needs a shell?
i so readily accept the eb and flow of life in the ocean
am i really a seahorse out in the middle of the blue not protecting itself in the weeds?
am i really just being callis about life by not being a bit more of a bitch
perhaps its like when i used to not watch the news cause i didnt want to know all the bad things that were happening cause there was nothing i could do
i just don't know if i can be non-chalant
perhaps its my ego way of feeling more important by dwelling on my own doubt and then telling itself it understanding
whatever it is, im tired and im fucken sick of thinking about it