what part of self do i wish to experience in the face of calamity

do i know ?
i've felt alone to suicidal points
i've felt without control to fainting points
i've felt useless to motionless points
i've felt frustrated to screaming point
i've felt unconnected to dislocation points
i've felt uninspired to not eating points
i've felt drained to dehydration points

what would it be that i should now be trying to experience from the same problem causing all the above feelings.
"conversations with god" says to not see it as a problem and not to make judgement on it and the pain will go away! i find it hard to ignore that sometimes i can't talk back!
i ask the whole to help me :) i wanna be alive!

14 year old

so this 14 year old designed a poster on a transperth train i caught
...
i didn't really get the theme
the design was good
but it was the "concept" and all the pretense behind her doing the poster that just made me go..."bullshit", please!! like a 14 year old knows anything about trespassing!!
... i don't know... cynical yes but please the minimalistic design and her explanation, why do people try and converse about things that they dont know much about, or really why have a pretense that you do know something! by all means come up with a concept of your perception but please don't try and tell me you know!!
try hard!!
and i haven't said that since i was 14 :)

easy

if only i asked and it was so
if only i thought and it happened
if only
maybe i gotta make more shit happen
ahhh im tired and the nights over now, nothing happened

new avatar of myself

i don't know the exact definition of avatar other than its some animated construction usually of yourself
but i did hear a new expression of how i react which seems to characture my personality
when it comes to fight or flight i am a flight character right
my pyschiatrist gave me the analogy of when unable to flee, i like a little animal in the wild tries to make myself as small and inconspicuous as possible and thus avoid possible danger
in thinking about myself this way, all my physical characteristics seemed to fall into place
and on reflection i feel like plumping myself up, pushing out my fan of feathers and saying "huzzah, here i am in all my glory" just because i know that i do shrink and without warrant!
when it comes down to it, i always think people are relatively the same character there entire life, im yet to meet someone from school who was shy who has miraculously turned into the life of the party, although don't get me wrong i have seen people seem to be but knowing their character you can still see the evidence they carry of there existence
what im trying to say is, i suppose i realise its my character to avoid danger and shrivel and in this realisation i feel im ok with it, its only when its happening i dispise my lack of gusto but in detaching myself from the control of it i feel good :)