what part of self do i wish to experience in the face of calamity

do i know ?
i've felt alone to suicidal points
i've felt without control to fainting points
i've felt useless to motionless points
i've felt frustrated to screaming point
i've felt unconnected to dislocation points
i've felt uninspired to not eating points
i've felt drained to dehydration points

what would it be that i should now be trying to experience from the same problem causing all the above feelings.
"conversations with god" says to not see it as a problem and not to make judgement on it and the pain will go away! i find it hard to ignore that sometimes i can't talk back!
i ask the whole to help me :) i wanna be alive!