i think the question therefore is

why do i try to not communicate / have trouble communicating ?
when this is the majority of human existance

seems like you or me

he said you give up your links to material goods
you give up your jewellery and clothing
you give up your links to your friends
you give up your links to your brothers and sisters
but what got me was when he said you give up your choice of what food you were going to have
how can choosing food be bad... i mean i understand giving up desires but please if i couldn't have a chilli and cheese mrs macs pie every now and then i'd be like "why the hell not, i love the shit"
and this is in order for you choose a little room on a hill
with a courtyard you can pace on and be able to spend the rest of your days trying to reach enlightenment
buddists talk about this blissful state of just being in order not to be reincarnated
we are less "wise" i suppose by being human, we still have things to learn... this is what is taught

in my thinking i suppose i don't believe in this higher state of existence, or perhaps i do but its not something you only get after you've lived a certain way
a clear, not worldly orientated existence seems strange when you are of this world
its like saying im being but in order not to be here... slightly contradictory

anyway i think the strength it would take to live that existence is admirable
i suppose its a question of whether it would be worth it and because i don't consider this higher conciousness state something that is seperate from myself anyhow... i suppose i do consider it would be worthwhile if more parts of the whole / more humans were on this wavelength tho, so i guess i do think its worth it, i just don't know whether knowing i gave myself a human existance that it isn't a human existance that i am to lead

too generous

ive been told to assert caution
vulnerability is my middle name if i don't
limit my nature or more harshen it
"harden up"... how many people have said that to me
is it really my downfall?
i know im not that assertive with others
for my own sense of self no worries
but infliction of myself onto the world and i fall down
why is it i hold the sense of others above my own
i don't feel equal
i used to feel i just wasn't the same
it was a feeling i took solace in and perhaps a confidence
now it becomes my weakness
and how is weakness not valid
how is it we have to be strong
i could say i blame the individualistic society and the lack of family but apparently that isn't it.
will it be the case that if i look for and give so generously that i will always be let down?
not accepting the equal positive and negative in the world leading to me always not getting what i'd like, because i do look for people to be so abundant?
the facts would say i do get easily let down
the facts would say i do give to readily
the facts would say i do always think the grass may be greener in a parallel universe
do i need to start being a different way in order to accept this universe
do i need to become like it, to harden up and get a bit more evil, more protective
am i afraid of hurting someone else because i understand pain or am i afraid cause it means i have to stand up and be counted too
more and more i think none of it is true
and you make of it what you choice
the more complexity i put into things and i do
the more they will appear so
i do know that i have always put myself second
this may be environmental, a product of a second position to a siblings needs
this may be...many things
i suppose its now how i make sure im not doing that in the future
cause the product is pain
or am i just listening to my dad, fuck knows!
yesterday i felt i had new tools to live by
now i again feel lost in it all
am i a turtle that denys it needs a shell?
i so readily accept the eb and flow of life in the ocean
am i really a seahorse out in the middle of the blue not protecting itself in the weeds?
am i really just being callis about life by not being a bit more of a bitch
perhaps its like when i used to not watch the news cause i didnt want to know all the bad things that were happening cause there was nothing i could do
i just don't know if i can be non-chalant
perhaps its my ego way of feeling more important by dwelling on my own doubt and then telling itself it understanding
whatever it is, im tired and im fucken sick of thinking about it

unforgiven

its a measure of power
something seemingly never to be forgotten
time passes but that aint forgiveness
can you forgive an act of disrespect if it is constantly batting at your doorway
constantly grating your world and making you see the unkindness existent in life
i can forgive but i still don't want to go back there
even in a desperate attempt to have a mother
perhaps forgiveness involves not remembering it happened in the past
if someone was slapping me
i wouldn't just stand there
i'd walk away

Soko - I'll kill her

pretty moving

the liberation of chance

got the balls
tried my hand at city hitching
it seemed like so many free cars cruising along
i stop for a pie, thank god for servo's
i didn't think it was gonna happen
the more cars that passed the more i thought people were
scared or unsympathetic or not caring
then within a snap, things changed
i was excited and in a car and it all seemed to easy
it seemed like nothing to him
i liked the kindness of strangers
it was liberating to give it up for chance

gentle kisses soothe

an unexpected surprise
almost makes me cum with its gentle nature
no hurry, no pressure and a little bit of time
and all of a sudden ive succumbed and wanting more

different people, different options
makes me wonder how i couldn't have tried this before
the sensations differ
its like my eyes are open
like i was only seeing half the options before

people do really offer the most sensory experience

kids films get me sometime

http://pdl.stream.aol.com/newline/gl/newline/trailers/GC/GoldenCompass_TSR1_Med_dl.mov

they could really use a little more fantasy in adults films too :)

drifting in and out of ok

my mouth drys
from the burning of the decaying goods
the dressage of the breath with smoke
they should make food infused air

i hinder swallowing water
sucking at the bad tastes which are leftover
the bacteria creates a foulness
the last products of decomoposition are unappealing to all the senses

cleansing the palette
making way for "more", for the new
all reactions propel a further reaction
im at a loss, who made these choices of these reactions

its not all about me
dungbeetles enjoy poo

im a free pawn
there is no freedom in that
interaction isn't reason enough to create a pawn
from the pawns perspective that is

if its so important just to "be"
why didn't the illusive "god" / lifeforce just be
why did it need to see itself, create things
boredom. compulsion. lonliness

i hanker for another cigarette
if only to feel the breathe with more certainty
and wallow in more senses
let another ten minutes pass

i don't think im very good with people

as much as i'd like to be that person who everyone wants to know
im not
i don't want to be that person
i don't think im very good with people tho
good, meaning i could convey successfully my essence
i think i have more characteristics which are not ones you convey
nah thats bullshit
im just not that good at conveyance
just like im not good at sales
and im not good at showing off
and im not good at something else (sounds better in 3's)
i come away from a lot of interactions that don't involve booze and think i could have been "more"
but really i couldn't
because im not that good at conveyance, even tho there may be "more"
ive got boundaries and barriers and green picket fences
ive got insecurities and attitude and a physical latitude
i suppose the only reason im dissatisfied tho is because i'd like to convey more
is it ok to accept inadequacy at this
if i thought so i wouldn't be dissatisfied
i think i need to start doing more introverted activities
maybe i miss old friends and forfilling connections
maybe im always dissatisfied until i look to the past as a comparison and see good times
maybe im a grumpy old man
maybe im my father.... god no!(terrible but true)
from the easy going exteria to the hard to please sense of self
if im made to be this way then what would be my purpose?
who would make something that isn't pleased
if in lining up for lives i received the "never content" human role i'd have to be a bit pissed off
so im observing the "never content" nature of my being
nuh
still nothing, i have no reason as to why to be genetically built that way
maybe im not built that way but am choosing to be that way you say
i know im not like that
i choose equality and cruisiness and happy vibes, thats what i'd choose
and i'd say "bugger that" to doing the hard yards if i could choose easy street
i honestly don't think in the grand scheme of things there is a choice
the choice is to have interaction or not
to have a positive and a negative in order to "get ready to rumble"
and i personally got dealt me hand and me leg and all me little neurotransmitter bits and thats it!
sometimes i think i change and grow and la de da
and then cyclically i come back and realise ive just been getting by without really thinking to much about it
less thinking = more okness with things
i am what i am eh!
its all this changing that i try to do that is really how i go to shit
"the desire to be more than you are", who the fuck invented that!
nah im just shitty, i feel so emo right now
god those little fuckers shit me
i understand the need for change and the desire for change
its inherent, i feel it
just feels wrong sometimes, like im doing it wrong
i wish it was as simple as a computer program and i could just change the components and fix me
"press button now for new sense of self"
"press green button for greater sense of confidence and we'll include a free set of tits"
this blog has become my disgruntlement, im sure its not all bad and everything will be ok.... thats what they say
i see no end to the positive and negative nature of nature
so i'll wade through the disgruntlement, this is what i've become and i haven't conveyed it to anyone

solipsism....one of those words i always intend to use

sol·ip·sism /ˈsɒlɪpˌsɪzəm/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sol-ip-siz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	Philosophy. the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.

2.	extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

heretic - something im going to try more to be... it seems there is no point not questioning and it comes so natural

reading... an expansion

i'm having a deja vu moment, i think i've written about this before!
the more i read and sift through different ideas and thoughts that others are having (mainly through blogs), the more i feel like life or the one i involve myself in most of the time is so insular! talking of whats happened to who and what so and so did, the world of actions seems like a time consuming endevour. reading thoughts of evolution and change and being or not or the what if's seem like such a broadening of my scope endevour that it makes me think of all the time i waste! although only a component of life i feel this is often neglected and definitely its more often read than spoken of!
the what if's, i feel connected to these :)

facebook dilemmas

so im on there
facebook
and everytime i make something better on the page
i feel worse
like "who is this for?"
i don't like it
i don't like the "entourage" app
i don't like the "likeness" app
i don't like the comparisons that you make just on flicking to someones page
i feel like im year 1 and i didn't make the cut for the popular group
its ridiculous
i really wanna delete my profile
but it does allow me to connect to my friends
to be honest i feel like a voyeur
voy·eur (voi-yûr') Pronunciation Key
n.

1. A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
2. An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

i don't actually feel like im concerned with my friends
i feel like im watching neighbours or something
knowing all their tid bits about who they are friends with and how
i feel like everything is defined
if someone doesn't invite you as a friend maybe they don't consider you one
if someone does are you really a friend?
its a sordid affair and i can't seem to detach myself from constantly checking
sor·did /ˈsɔrdɪd/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[sawr-did] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective

1.	morally ignoble or base; vile: sordid methods.

2.	meanly selfish, self-seeking, or mercenary.

3.	dirty or filthy.

4.	squalid; wretchedly poor and run-down: sordid housing.

i feel like they have sucked me in with allowing me to connect with people i love
and then destroyed the connection by allowing me to make judgements based on a webpage and viewing their "other" connections second hand and not through direct contact and communication
i feel dirty
back in the day they used to say "telephone conversation just aren't as good as visually communicating", now im communicating without even being asked or asking myself
i used to use the internet as expression
and the random people i met was a connection based on likeness of this style
it feels like the popular people have come in and wrecked the purity
like any event /place which used to be awesome when it smalltime and had such a great atmosphere
and then when it became really big it lost the vibe
perhaps i just can't connect in big groups
anyhow i hate facebook

moths eh

"one moment" you are noticing the semi annoying flutter that passes your face every half hour while on the couch

"the next moment" your inspecting the small buildup of dust, weaved intricately into a cocoon that puts your needlework into the category of grotesque forms

apon "a further moment" you acknowledge the existence of at least 30 odd little cocoons in cracks around the room, you contimplate them as a pest for the first time, from previously just being an interesting intrusion

a "desperation moment" forms, as you consider that you don't know the progression or eradication of this little intrusion, that could becoming a rather large annoyance and thus proceed to scour the net for information

in a "frustration moment" no less, you discover that there are 60 odd types of moths in australia and god damn most of them are pretty damn amazingly coloured and beautiful

the "questioning moment" then begins again, about your knowledge on moths and the lack of it before this point and you finally discover a webpage stating yours is a common house moth

and with the "solution moment" you find in your cupboard, as promised on the webpage, a bag of dried spices, which altho you'd zip locked still contained little moth bugs / eggs

in the further "retrospective moment", you realise this is quite a long moment between all these progressive steps and that limited knowledge, does mean it takes time between sight and solution

that was my past moment :)