My new 6 foot fish tank

Rejection

Rejection, when u would do something and they can't be bothered!
Rejectionwhen u could do anything and they've only open to one option!
Rejection! Rejection! Am i not the same, am i not adequate! am i not!
Wat u want!
The misunderstanding bout why that could be... breeds rejection!

travelling along singing a song

do u travel hoping u will fall in love with a place and wanna spend the rest of ur days there or do u travel just to see a place!
i love perth and to be honest i think its got everything to offer but do i yearn for something better ?
A life of casual acceptance of everyday without being wrapped up in the bullshit of society!
Well hell yeah!
A simple life of honest livin without bein part of the ratrace, well yeah, i do wish for that!
But do i believe that its a reality?
A possibility?
Well frankly my dear i don't believe i do!
I think the whole world is wrapped up in it!
Its hard to believe i could find a middle ground, one where i could live with the comfortability which i like of society and that which would come with less possessions, most of which i've taken a liking too :)

dreamtime

i dreamt i had dreadlocks and they were dead sexy!
i gotta stop buying lotto, its like im waiting for an event to happen in my life instead of making shit happen!
i plod around with wat i've got and im getting ok with that, its more a case of wat more do i want!
but is wanting more a bad thing, or should i just go with the flo and if i feel the vibe do something else!
i know i feel a frustration at watching more tv!

BEER TIME

catching up with clare was great!
i do miss her freedom and i get nervous flourishing with her!
a freedom of expression with all the nervous elements of wanting!
wanting more time yet happy with anything she gives!
it contains also a not needing anything, not like its a have to cause i know its not a can have!
acceptance of interaction for wat it is!
i think this is something i used to possess a lot more of cause it was around the people that were congenial to it!
yay those people i say!

i don't have a cold

its amazing how many people think i have a cold,
in fact explaining it is starting to grate on me!
wish i could just be normal!

testing, testing

its like this big fucken test that no one is passing!
i know where i stand in the class, its not far up but im praised for my initiative!
i can't even say that is correct!
i just think i show initative but really im just a little different and i even fucken apologised for it!
fuck!
how suckered into this crap am i such that im sorry for being out of line!
sorry for being a little weird!
am i so sure that conformity is the answer, hell no, but for some reason i bear its babies like a good girl and pretend i like it and im doing ok!
i can barely speak, lord knows wat they think of me!
fuck!
i hate this trip!
if its all one glorious game to get to know ones self than i really screwed myself over!
lets hope the other parts of me are enjoying the ride, cause i drank to much of this cup of life and im about to barf!
and yet i suck up the american crap im fed and devour the reformatting they r giving me!
born to be born, may all beings be happy! who really knows that word!
certainly no one i know!
a bunch of misaligned shots at having a go!
oh well better luck next time!

hum of the 9-5

sleepin on trains has become my new fav pasttime, its up there with getting drunk!
Its a no pressure, soothing time of the day which is really now an extentsion of me staying in bed!
I wish in the same way that i don't have to get out of bed that i don't have to get off the train!

roofus

i credit my dog, roofus with a lot of my well being and still i keep him outside!
i question my love, i question my judgement of his happiness in being an outside dog!
i know other outside dogs who aren't happy but they also aren't walked daily or looked after much!
But then again how much is exactly that i do do with him and is it enough i wonder?

my 30th immersion

from the depths emerged a mud slickened figure, like she was flung up with the flick of hair to remove it from the face, after immersion in water... (too long an analogy?..smee) ... this will be the figure of 30, freshly discovered but fully developed, dirty yet natural, mystified by a lather of dark coating but pure in intent with blue eyes pervading through the darkness they are set in! silent! a simple explanation comes with a strength of poise and facial character as she conveys all that is done and gone and a willingness to be engrossed in the future!

lotto pages

isn't it funny... i've been reading the lotto pages, it really does corny up the dream!! but i'm hooked!

HOW WOULD YOU SPEND A SHARE IN THE $19 MILLION SUPERDRAW?

11 April 2008

Tomorrow night's $19 million Superdraw has WA Lotto players' minds ticking over about just how they'd spend a Division One prize.

According to Lotterywest spokesperson, Gina Zanotti, the most common spending plans for Division One Lotto winners are paying off the mortgage, taking a holiday and sharing the money with family.

But there have been some winners whose spending plans include things that are a little out of the ordinary, such as:

• A pensioner who won $9 million in Powerball and planned to buy new flannel pyjamas.

• A big burly bloke from Kalgoorlie who said he would buy his Mum a new sewing machine.

• A syndicate of all-female aged care workers and one resident whose top priority was to buy new lingerie.

• A syndicate of four mine workers who booked a holiday at the luxurious El Questro homestead.

• Two women who planned on going to the ALF Grand Final at the MCG.

• A man who planned to finish flying lessons and get a job as a pilot.

• A man said he would walk the Great Wall of China.

• 56 Armadale shift workers whose spending plans included a Hills hoist and a new set of dentures.

"Everyone’s Lotto dream is a little different, and half the fun of playing Lotto is dreaming about how you’d spend a big prize. We're hoping to meet some lucky WA Superdraw winners next Monday, having made their dreams a reality – no matter how weird or wonderful!" said Ms Zanotti.

im addicted to lotto

so im reading all the lotto winners stories online,
and they are the corniest pieces of journalism you'll ever find
and yet it fills me with joy reading them,
just thinking how the "rags to riches" story could be me!!
there was a stat, 31 division 1 winners in wa till april 17th,
thats like 9 a month! i could totally be in that 9 :)
its not that im delusional about the amount of people and lotto tickets bought
i just honestly am swept up in the "charlie and the chocolate factory" idea that it could be me!
i've just got have lady luck!
my randomness is just as good as anyones :)
god, i really love lotto!!

ha! funny!

generation difference

there is the generation above, which im starting to feel more and more compassion to,
as i notice the younger generations dislocation!
its like one off puts me and the other reconfirms a sense of humanity!
its like im choosing which group im in and it pisses me off the lack of respect that the younger gen has!
im sure its a natural progression and its been happening for generations but the prominence of it,
strikes me as way more relevant to the way i want to live!
by all means be expressive but not to the detriment of others or the dislocation from otheres!
its like im agreeing we r all the same and altho ive always known i want it acknowledged like the older generation somewhat demands!
i feellike i stink like the alcohol that is left over from last night and i can't get away from it!
it really does ooze out and its not so pleasant!
its like an uncontrolled odor as much as u try to mask it, it pervades, like someone who hasn't bathed fordays,
u think i can't be that bad but u have aclimatized urself to urself such that a little scent to u, is oppressive to others!
but i don't know this, i just know i repulse myself in terms of nasal smell!
i don't like the idea of prominence over others environment,
or is it that i don't like being dominant,
noticed for the wrong thing!
easily flattered, easily offended!

train talk

all these people looking down,
tired or avoiding or afraid or isolated!
its all so dislocated!
wat is it if not a community that ur in!
its part of ur life the same as it is theirs,
why not be compromising and accepting of their part,
to make things comfortable!
the thing is,
am i saying that from a dominating point of view ?
i don't think so cause others dominate me,
but i do notice that im a bit louder than most in common circumstance,
i tend to dramatise and speak things dramatically which is usually overpowering and why would i do that ?
is it cause i need the reconfirmation that im ok and agree with me
or that i just feel the need to express ideas more than others,
i think i think that,
but i think i may be deluding myself!
my perception is that im out there but i don't think i dominate!
it does concern me tho,
maybe cause i do things differently!
i really don't care tho but only in retrospection,
i have to deal with myself, so i tell myself its ok and justify a good outcome,
cause there is no one else i need to justify it to!
it is my world!
but i still feel like im holding back!
i don't feel like i should be that different than those next to me!

no balance

i see all circumstances like mine,
and those that r not,
no balance between the 2
only the 2 fighting for an a monopolizing view in my head!
its weird, especially with me, who is tha, making decisions about which one i believe and i don't even know wat that voice is, apart from its a belief!
there are some people i am definitely scared of,
like wat r they doing ?!*!
and i don't know wat to do with wat they r saying!

dream

cotton wool ur eyes with salt water then sterilize your face and wash it off!
enter the hole in this special zone that leads to a younger world,
where you have to kill all the "bad" littler people and escape the hatch before they come back!
otherwise the next generation would change and you wouldn't exist.
took many trials to master the process to get to the parallel universe

if it came from the bible

if i said this question came from the bible would u love me or hate me ?
when someone shows compassion to someone they don't know, do u feel kindness ?

dislocation from emotion

there is an excess of uncatered for emotions!
randomly crying, to no-one!
wat happens when there is no family unit like in todays society and distance between individuals such that someone is left without support.
its become a cold world!

righteousness

how do u let go of righteousness,
a wanting to find out how to deal and figure life out correctly!
isn't that wat we are doing when we do meditation, thinking its our way, our figuring out the way to conduct our body and mind!
how do u let go of the trying to prove things to oneself ?

wat the

sometimes i really do wonder wat im doin ?
I mean I can't even make a decision about wat sort of life id like to lead, let alone actually making a life!
Is it about wat i become tho ?
how much i grow and take in?
Or is it just me feeling bits of myself, self propelent reaction and im just the spot that feels that like poke!
It is really just checking himself out, observing how he conducts himself, only to figure out there is nothing more to it than the observation.
It doesn't go anywhere or serve some meaning u put into it!
It just is an observing itself point of view!
Or is it about feeling and connecting itself back up to the whole!

dream - a - rama

There were outside and inside people and if the inside people went outside they would slowly diminsh and die.
they looked like lucazade bubbles, i had hey with a woman and a man and making the woman come made me come over her!

people they hurt

So this guy really hurts me when he is not interested!
And yet i invited him to hurt me again.
I was in a state of needing to feel liked and special and so i took something back which i lost last time,
my dignity,
but the next morning did i realise i'd actually given it back to him again ?
is it better being a sucker to a sense of humour and having someone say they want u being a sucker
or is it a wake up call to what u really want!
Is it a wake up call to standing up for urself and saying hold on im worth more than that.
But to be honest, i don't think i need more than that at the time.
At the time I think that all i need is to feel lighter, to feel freer, to feel like im more open to love because someone is offering it to me openly!
Saying im hot and confirming in words wat most of the time i find hard to say to others.
So where he has difficulty accepting afterwards, whether he regrets it or not, at that moment, he is there with me and i know its not a lie, the way he looks at me, i make him nervous, its ok!
Cause he does wat i don't and verbalizes wat i need and wat is comforting.
So if anything i have learnt that having this makes me feel good and right and happy!
That confirmation i got from spider, that she thought i was awesome, the shy signs from guys that show they r interested but have never said, this is wat i look for and obviously wat i need to make me happy!
I could fool myself and say otherwise but it comes back to the same old story,
im lookin for praise, a "great job" by my dad or a "ur fantastic" from my mum and i lack it!
but then again why is it when told straight out by kim i don't respond affectionately, altho sometimes i do!
But when she says it when not drunk i don't respond well!
Altho when texted by brenden i can automatically be dirty!
I just think im more attracted to the strength i don't have of a man!
The brut force of his caring and if someone ever showed me some of the corny lines of tv and was actually cool, it would take me 2 secs to fall in love!
But most people don't have that confidence about themselves, just like i don't!
So any presence would only ever be till u realised otherwise!
I also know i feel guilty, guilty cause when i had nothing, corgie was there and treated me the same but is that cause he doesn't really see who i am or cause he is actually just willing to put up with suffering?

superficial

I'm so sceptical of people, i step on their pillows!
Was it the disrespect or wanting of superficial attraction that i get pissed off at!
Either way i don't like attention seeking people!
And I don't want to react like they do!

uncatered for

there is an excess of uncatered for emotions!
randomly crying
to noone
wat happens when there is no community unit like in todays society
and distance between individuals
that someone is left without any consolation
without support
its become a cold world

disappointment

with an up
there comes a down
i should watch tv
more
or less?
hmmmm no words
just disappointment
prevails

the internet is the funniest thing

how is it i spend all day droneously on one and then
at night continue to widdle away my hours again on one
virtual sex and random chat and discovering what the real meaning of your personality is by staring at it on a screen in a dimly lit room and waiting for pictures to upload!
ha!
how the delusions are so easy to maintain
their is a comfortableness in the distance of the internet
only partially engaging in interaction by feeling the freedom of a barrier to protect you
"on your terms only"
pay 9.95 now for the pleasure!
it must be some seeded comfort in not having the reprecussions of an adverse reaction from a person, just click the computer off and they go away... the real thing leaves stains on your carpet and spaces in your bed and damages your comfortable heart into a state of dishevel
not knowing what to do
...
would i find more time by myself staring at nature instead of a screen if i lived back in the nomadic day ?
would my needs be forfilled in other ways
or perhaps i wouldn't have the need ... it sure wouldn't be in the form of a safe barriered interaction that i get on the computer
anyhow im tired from all my virtual sex, time to lie on the couch! ha!

lovestruck

i heard 2 stories and saw many visible evidence of people being lovestruck on the weekend!

an absolute infatuation with the person and a clear wanting to be around them and share themselves with each other!

i came away from a party, which beforehand i had been content, with a sense of loss, a sense of not having that which is clearly avaliable to every human being when they find someone they really jel with!

although the previous evening i had been sure that i was nowhere even close to love but had been happy to continue a relationship, i believe this is out of fear!

and i believe this fear is holding me back from more forfilling times, dictated by who i am and how i interact... but due to my lack of belief of my capabilities on this front, i now just feel lonely and on the outside of life!

i know comparisons are wrong but they can also be a wake up call! i hope this is enough of a jolt!

looking

Well when u look, u don't see anyone worthwhile and when u don't look u seem to be getting attention!
I wasn't looking till I decided id like to look and now the potential is slim!
I think ill go back to not looking, there is nothing appealing about someone who needs u, only if they want u bad!
Im gonna change my tac and be out there claire!
Why not, i can shift, i can say it was all shyness, is that cute ?
if i thought someone was hot yet shy, i'd find that cute... i think!
It just depends if im hot and cute or just average shy!

people

sometimes i see some people and i thnik, fuck id like to get to know that person!
The way they carry themselves, the way they look, their essence seems to scream to mine, hey u would dig me!
I love looking at these people!
I don't necessarily imagine wat they do but i admire, even tho i know nothing other than the look!
I think thats why I like checking out other peoples photos, seeing who they have connected with purely on a visual basis!
I like catching the city train cause u see a diversity of people and i like to know wats out there!
The vibe!
I think it makes me feel more secure in who I am by seeing this diversity!
I'm not sure exactly how this works but it relaxes me!
I think this exposure makes situations where there are lots of people less intimidating!

daze

I forgot wat day it was, woke up not knowing whether it was weekend or weekday!
Pervaded by leftovers of a weird dream where glenn was dissing me for popularity!
Left my dog with a 5 minute pat!
There is an akward nature to me in my dreams, like i don't gel with polularity and am uninvited into those circles.
Then dream ended by me creating a car accident, i first knowcked off side mirror as hadn't finished crossing road and then made them roll over into drive thru, as pulled the finger or yelled something.
I was really concerned about the security of my bag and the fact that didn't need to drink till people started arriving, then worried didn't have anything to drink.
There was also a patronising nature to the people who knew me, like they didn't care to know me anymore!

where'd the ideas go

Im sure as you get older your ideas diminish, ur inquisition turns to worry. How is it i feel less capable than before i had experience! Its like I could have done anything and every day i feel i can do less and less! Loooking into peoples faces, i see they too with quarms, waiting to see wat happens! Plodding thru a half ass attempt at living, accepting to be average or their version of ok! I see girls expressing themselves in clothes, just as I did, reaffirming their sense of individuality and self! It makes me happy to relate superficially with the random!

Intimacy issues

the upside of not having intimacy for a while is the freedom to explore and create more of myself, it reinforces appreciation and love for others comes with greater ease cause u look to others to fille the "same old, same old" of comfortability from consoling yourself with one person!

get away

i just don't like being interupted,
create my own time,
if its forced on me i automatically don't like it,
i just can't deal with it, my way or the highway,
i create a highway, im not very good at adapting to something i don't want
its the whole acceptance / voice issue i suppose!
fuck it, its how i am, i should start living it
im tired of things not going my way
very tired

ooooo noooooooo

you know sometimes when you look and go just think "ooooo noooo", how the hell did i let this little bit of a slip turn into a slide right off a banana peel and straight hard down on your tailbone!

im pixelated

i've let me addictions to documentaries and creating an itinerary of worthwhile shows to watch on www.yourtv.com.au and now... now its turned on! i've been finding the more i turn the box on to watch the "meerkat manor " show turn into watching the show after that, then a little tennis and then a summer series tv show and then ahhhhhh the family guy and then 2 disks, thats 12 episodes people of "that 70s show" and ...

more and more i find myself becoming a devourer of tv and i've that mentality of "maybe if i just remember that mon 9.30 has californication on and now tue 9.30 i have to see how the protestants and catholics fought over england and how "monarchy " will transend to the next generation after the king, who has ruled since 14 dies at 32 of some infection.... its addictive people and its narrated by a guy who is more pompos than david attenborough in english tones :)

my little slip has lead me into a hole of pixelation

who needs life when you have tv...will this be my last post

no no i forgot about the writers block in the US! ha! i can't believe this world! good lord, the people will riot if they don't get a new season of prison break... lord knows i may join the case if they don't tell me what happens to michael :P

crazy!!

Past the point

You know when you just have that uncomfortability with someone,
like something needs to be said,
and usually cause you think you'd get along,
but nothing is said
and your left wondering,
what could be if we actually talked,
we seem to have an instanteously recognisable link,
that because isn't acted on creates this uncomfortable feeling or perhaps better described as a propulsion towards recognition of the other!