people they hurt

So this guy really hurts me when he is not interested!
And yet i invited him to hurt me again.
I was in a state of needing to feel liked and special and so i took something back which i lost last time,
my dignity,
but the next morning did i realise i'd actually given it back to him again ?
is it better being a sucker to a sense of humour and having someone say they want u being a sucker
or is it a wake up call to what u really want!
Is it a wake up call to standing up for urself and saying hold on im worth more than that.
But to be honest, i don't think i need more than that at the time.
At the time I think that all i need is to feel lighter, to feel freer, to feel like im more open to love because someone is offering it to me openly!
Saying im hot and confirming in words wat most of the time i find hard to say to others.
So where he has difficulty accepting afterwards, whether he regrets it or not, at that moment, he is there with me and i know its not a lie, the way he looks at me, i make him nervous, its ok!
Cause he does wat i don't and verbalizes wat i need and wat is comforting.
So if anything i have learnt that having this makes me feel good and right and happy!
That confirmation i got from spider, that she thought i was awesome, the shy signs from guys that show they r interested but have never said, this is wat i look for and obviously wat i need to make me happy!
I could fool myself and say otherwise but it comes back to the same old story,
im lookin for praise, a "great job" by my dad or a "ur fantastic" from my mum and i lack it!
but then again why is it when told straight out by kim i don't respond affectionately, altho sometimes i do!
But when she says it when not drunk i don't respond well!
Altho when texted by brenden i can automatically be dirty!
I just think im more attracted to the strength i don't have of a man!
The brut force of his caring and if someone ever showed me some of the corny lines of tv and was actually cool, it would take me 2 secs to fall in love!
But most people don't have that confidence about themselves, just like i don't!
So any presence would only ever be till u realised otherwise!
I also know i feel guilty, guilty cause when i had nothing, corgie was there and treated me the same but is that cause he doesn't really see who i am or cause he is actually just willing to put up with suffering?