blue blue heart

its not cold but its blue
its like its been drained
it cried out all the salty warmth
and now it is blue
it sinks into the body
as heat rises and cool falls
i feel its drop

i never wanna forget this ladies words

http://www.etsy.com/storque/search/title/yokoo/
how beautiful is her philosphy on living!
given life to live
you are in control
if only i could trust in myself like her
she is beautiful, i hope we are all connected so i can say im so proud of that bit of me :)

immersed

farting like a champion


baked beans hmmmm

im surrounded in the stench of my own contemplation of shit

it seems like a disgusting course of play

i wish to leave a pursue other avenues but this is the one i have chosen

stuck in a loop

hooked to the circle

how is it that when i see something really inspiring, initially enlivened I am soon down and critical about my own endevours

i don't do this

or that

or when i think about the statement " once you realise you are in control of your life " i still don't believe it

questioning...who would of thought that was part of my character :P

Do u trust i have a good heart ?
Sometimes i think maybe i am selfish and that im not doing things for the right reasons,
even though i think i am!
Should i be less loud, or am i really trying to make people happy and live lighter or is that my ego ?
Sometimes i don't know, i used to know and now i doubt!

I was told by a psychic on the weekend not to listen to the other thoughts but the ones told to me by my heart... i wish that it was all i heard :)

whats inside

people hold dreams and realities
ideas and then the products
the writing and then the book

whats inside me
chaos
amidst it, are centres of glowing inspiration
tangled they know not of their value or can see their relevance to each other

so lets say i go for 5 balls of inspiration,
none of which can see but a glimmer of each other
how do i fuse them to rid myself of the chaos
to create a tranquil place of bonded strength ???

as it is
i know only moments of strength, of clarity
dislocated from other moments
no moment more clear and resolute to enable this dissipation of confusion

i do want peace but do i have to give up energy to have it ???
i don't think so but i don't see peace, i don't see tolerance, i don't see injustice, without a fight!

sitting here

i've met some travellers and
i've met some people who are going travelling
i've met some people who change towns in order to experience a different perspective
i know all of these states
i never lose control though, even when i probably have, i haven't acknowledged its presence!
im just as scared of what i do have, as what i don't have!
im scared about not following my passion
im scared about following my passion
im scared about people dominating my thoughts
im scared about pushing people away and being left with my own

and just when im comfortable with who i am and what im doing,
it seems there is an interruption of someone (usually as opposed to something) that makes me feel like i havent shown good heart and passion but in fact a display of selfishness or egotistical nature or something that just makes you feel dirty about what you have done.

when others seem so certain about things, what they want and where they are going,
im in a state of "maybe"
and then when i find out they are not happy, were not certain and things have gone terribly awry
it doesn't provide clarity but makes things again seem difficult to choose!
so don't choose... my friend would say! but i do choose, i choose to listen to him, to be there, to live in a house... all things i chose.
he to chooses, but he still thinks he does not choose. sure once your in the circumstance you cant dictate your reactions completely but most of the time you choose to be there. he choose to message me and see if i wanted to hang out, that was a choice
so i don't know how "not to choose"
and maybe this is an excuse
and maybe it is my nature
i have always found although i'd like to be open, i always have something that tells me im still thinking, still choosing!

Scared to partake in life

Sometimes it scares me,
the interactions i have.
A non tonal or without the clarity of face interactions
And then the reinterpretation of past events.
I don't think i could do them again.
I don't think I want the future uncertainity.
Even the simple act of sleepin... will my dog be ok, did i do or say the right thing!
It scares me.
What is to become of me,
how do i make a decision?
How can others dictate my actions.
What am i doing and does it make sense!
Random is good, till u think of the repercussions o ur emotional self!

Talking to myself isn't enough

"hoping to find the lost splintered pieces of ourselves" (united states of tara)
sometimes there is just no one to talk to, how is it with so many people out there.... lost

Strength in a physical standing and emotional distance

Way before the tshirts, he used to hold me, with his big strong arms and tell me to toughen up! Even as i cried cause i didnt know wat to do, i felt safe in those arms! I used to joke about him having a front backpack which i could sit and cuddle him in while he went about his work. At that stage i didnt eat much and i said people would barely notice!

Dimly lit

There is no doubt on the truth of the questions! Thus to question the unquestionable is to be untrue to the soul! Wat greater gift than the choice to decide and the audacity to stand by urself, ur own doppleganger, urself no longer a victum but a team, one to reassure and back u at ur best odds! I miss introversion, i miss doodling, these things should have there own time, above and beyond other priorities! I am here to stay!

in the movies vs real life

watching movies of strength and overcoming adversity makes me feel weak and silly that im emotional over the things that i am!
Its only in independence of creating something that i fee stronger! Like there is a little bit of claire out there in the world!
And why is it I have to be out there! ?
Cause otherwise i don't feel alive! Without validation it seems somewhat obsolete!But the validation is only thru me, of how proud i feel. I think work although validated isn't by me and thus it isn't sustaining! Is not satisfying!
I never gave myself the freedom to fly with work, it was like it must be done, not u choose ur own adventure!

To independence

what say ye

i think but do i really say! I barely influence my own sense of self, why is it i don't believe my own intuition. learn to trust, maybe then i shall find the right path... is it the longing that keeps me from it!