sitting here

i've met some travellers and
i've met some people who are going travelling
i've met some people who change towns in order to experience a different perspective
i know all of these states
i never lose control though, even when i probably have, i haven't acknowledged its presence!
im just as scared of what i do have, as what i don't have!
im scared about not following my passion
im scared about following my passion
im scared about people dominating my thoughts
im scared about pushing people away and being left with my own

and just when im comfortable with who i am and what im doing,
it seems there is an interruption of someone (usually as opposed to something) that makes me feel like i havent shown good heart and passion but in fact a display of selfishness or egotistical nature or something that just makes you feel dirty about what you have done.

when others seem so certain about things, what they want and where they are going,
im in a state of "maybe"
and then when i find out they are not happy, were not certain and things have gone terribly awry
it doesn't provide clarity but makes things again seem difficult to choose!
so don't choose... my friend would say! but i do choose, i choose to listen to him, to be there, to live in a house... all things i chose.
he to chooses, but he still thinks he does not choose. sure once your in the circumstance you cant dictate your reactions completely but most of the time you choose to be there. he choose to message me and see if i wanted to hang out, that was a choice
so i don't know how "not to choose"
and maybe this is an excuse
and maybe it is my nature
i have always found although i'd like to be open, i always have something that tells me im still thinking, still choosing!