Time of your life

Wasted
Wasted time
Unreaped or unsowed
A bounded mindset
A contained existence
A wasteful use of time
Ill directed
Misdirected
Undirected
An experiment turned foul
Such disdain from the sore pads of my feet to the freshly ripped skin on my arm to the heat bound behind my forehead
Eyes that recluse from familiar visuals
Averting the memories that were never had
The loss of potential seems to great to bare
Disgust again
A disgust of an unknown failure of self
At being someone adverse to others
I've a pretty good gauge
Maybe an overqualified sense of a gauge
Angry at non existent carer's
Definitely not a how to guide
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From angsty poem to just emotionally engaged with the uncontrollable elements in life
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I am energy dissipating, not creating, not useful. But that's the question right. Is this other stuff, this stuff others do, society directed existences, is this creating. Probably not right. But it does have that feel, that one where you know it feels good, it feels right, it feels worthwhile.
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Did I have a delusional existence in my medicated state of 10 years. No. I just had a shorter attention span to my own thoughts. Thus mitigating any further lengths of postulation. Or perhaps i was more contented such that I didn't follow such "negative" thoughts of society not being, well anything really. I mean other than propogation what is it we achieve? An advancement of energy? Has it gained a higher grade, frequency, moralistic virtue. Lead to the propogation of better energy!
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Tired of thinking about pointless or just tired of not creating myself? Disappointed at not creating myself, at leading a disappointing existence. So I'm pissed at myself, so now what? I'm always pissed at myself. Change! The disappointment stems from the lack of benefit seen from past changes so why do it again.
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Now it's time to just do what feels good at the time. No future thought, just how can I be okay with myself right now.
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It's fucked though, I am not so good, I'm fucking terrible with Astra. "Society" says it's the age but seriously she is learning that I get pissed by her demanding and telling me what to do and as much as I try to keep calm, I eventually just burst giving her another explosion to copy to her dolls! And then I hate myself again. I am so fucking angry at the roundabout I am on. How to I change it. It's an uncontrollable element, she is her, yet I'm influencing her to be more irrational. If I stop being the boss, cause I want to do things, like paint a wall then it would never get painted or it would just badly or ... So option no boss... option 2 do less and spend more time with her, I can't do it, I'm trapped in house, making no money, worrying about how to or where to. Option 3, 1 month fixing house, realistically probably 2 months, sell house and then can I spend my time with her? She's so pushing and demanding of me, can I? I could if she wasn't but I don't think it's all me, I'm not sure I can handle that much 24/7. I'm too friendless, I'm too alone with her. Option 4, more community activities where she can be with others. I don't know what the fuck they are, if I haven't been trying to find where we fit in, fuck knows where we or I will feel comfortable and accepted.
Fuck knows
I'm tired of looking
I'm tired of being tired
But most of all I'm tired of being stuck in the same shit and so this is where I can at least change to different shit and it will be okay / engaging for a while.
So I'm trying to do all 4 options, do I need to commit to just one? I read this thing about lack of control breading anxiety. Maybe option 5 make things controllable