How to stop being a sinking ship

Not sure I'm sinking but definitely wading to keep my head above water.

Can't seem to not feel like I have to do it independently and I can't seem to progress such that I feel like I'm not going round in circles.

Write a plan to understand some basics.

Glean that understanding.

Get lost in details of where's the data or what format I can bring it in.

Learning 3 different programs and re-interpreting someone else's work.

How do I give myself a leg up?

Ask Daniel?

Sun on my neck

"Feel the burn" ...I grew up knowing this as retro aerobics, yet it resonated with me. The push on through, the tone in which Jane spoke,she was just do it before Nike. Yet somehow the ideA of doing something intending for suffering, although with it's Buddhist appeal doesn't appeal to my mind compass. Physical compass yes, although almost 6 months on from any real exercise I don't feel this either. I realise the clonazepam gives me the calm to enable a focus of moment but I wonder if I'll get a long term inspiration back. I can do a long term plan but inspiration being the basis of strength behind a plan I do feel a loss of personal strength. I always had conviction but not long term direction so why I think now would be any different. In accepting this and taking the clonazepam out of the equation I am then left with my endless social analysis. Maybe my September counterpart Mr malcolm Gladwell has more in touch and definitely better utilisation of this aspect.

So what to do with this now. Why am I struggling at this point to go forth with my time and find something to be involved in. Am I really that tired from Astra and work. I think it's more an excuse to play along with the loss, to accept I don't have anything, to wallow. So if not to wallow what would I.choose? 

Choose

Choose

Or maybe letting go. Letting loose such that I go with the flow. Not something I really do although it's my intention. Maybe aydan is a perfect mirror of not choosing. I see a reflection of not only in work but in people and in lifestyle of not putting in fully. Self doubt the most accessible answer but really the brains capacity to not focus so much on itself foregone. All wrapped up in ego.

Thinking out of self. Skills I possess. Where should I go to let go?

the passing

I know I'm just passing time,

Passing by an uncensored reality

In favour on a survival lifestyle.

But alas it is I'll fitting on me,

Flatters neither fAce nor figure

And the representation of energy I aim for is see through,

And any genuine feeling is lost on the audience.

And I see the reverse, the trying when if they'd just embrace themselves. 

I was gonna say the try hards are succeeding but my jury is out. My dar is not off I think, so I will see some results.

yearning

Have I created something in my mind that is untrue, such that nothing else will do

Is the sense of a mutual energy all a farse, and all the moments butt a mind fart

The yearning inside would definitely say not, yet in reality it doesn't mean a whole lot

And it hurts that it can't be resolved

weighted inward

High in my chest before the chest plate ends and it becomes the neck

There's a weighted ache, like it's pulling a section of the chest inward,

Held at the edges, like ropes pulled tight to hold up the Trojan horse,

And like the Trojan ready to let loose and cascade through my body,

The attack.

Releasing waves of sadness at the nonexistence of connection

timing and waiting

Left and right 

A leg sore with a need to move and stretch

A constant changing position, still not enough to kwell the soreness

Desires to eat in times well before necessary,

A physical doing to a mental problem

I can't stop this feeling

Only an exercise of the brain to assist in easing the uneasy

everything felt steady till the next moment came

And life was flowing,

For a moment things were going my way

Then boom

Things flipped,

It was too much to quickly and yet not enough to confirm direction.

Sick of being a sideline act, called out by someone else's point of view

I am the star of my own.show and yet I claim no spotlight

I accept no.praise 

And yet turn in anger when I start to get some of what I give out

I turn on myself

Self sabotage.

But not in that blow everything up, movie style way

Just in small movements, gestures, thoughts

To diminish my own presence

I hate love

I hate it's big ass pull on you

Yet love is just the mechanism by which we, I, humans protect life

Love a product of wanting to maintain life

To which I.give a royal fuck you.

Fuck you whoever, whatever created a being to know that they know nothing

Is that not the torment of hell

Or just the privilege of a non suffering state.

If your not fighting to survive you have the time to pish posh about.

And what of this pish poshing.

Dissipating energy,

The point of a dying star,

Why is it not called an alive star?

And which would I call myself? 

Why call yourself neither as you know not whether you are the beginning or the end but from history...

From history,

From time,

You know you are a human who dies after using resources.

The only thing which is of your creation is your energy

And unfortunately,

Most of the time I don't even like mine.

Maybe what I give to others,

But with a view so distorted by self doubt,

It is with an fog of loathing in which I am surrounded.

There was a period of humour,

Where I brought the jazz to the jizz.

It is the artists that bring life to surroundings,

Yet my expression is stunted.

I am a curator of life at best.

Really I would definitely say I am explorer,

With the distinction that I have a misguided compass, double entendre?

No contradiction,

I seek what can't be found,

The why.

There is only belief and I no longer believe.

Yet I'm still a conditioned being and feel it.

I feel love still.

And so am torn.

In my hated love-life!

wish I was

So I have to live life knowing I'll be wishing 

Wishing cause I'm missing my inspiration

But remembering that when I wasn't medicated I couldn't use my inspiration cause I couldn't focus with cyclical thoughts

Solution

Find a couple of focused inspirations and pursue them

Answers

I really like coral, trees, abstract mathematical nature

Focussed I could explore documenting these

I could make patterns with them

If I'm a finder

An explorer then my focus would be discovering

How to discover?

Go searching the oceans

Teach Astra to snorkel

I think that's it, camping and snorkeling

Summer sorted!

It's beginning to feel a lot like christmas

Pain in every store

And there it is dwelling behind the facade
An unacceptance of life's joys and acceptance of the game I feel I'm playing
Let's face it though
It is the stories people want to hear, the game they want to play that wins
Not the face of an ugly truth that a sore mind bears
Say only the positive to keep on keeping on....successfully
And I'm so not good at playing the game
I wish my mum had never taught me the song:
"Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, think I'll go eat worms"
I must tell her to stop singing it to my daughter
What a terrible reminder of mine and another's pain and for her but frivolity!

Fading away in the world today takes everything you've got

So i spent 2 years see if i could live without clonzapam and a year and a half of that without but still on dothepin
2 years trying to see if I was strong enough to handle the thinking of societies way
2 years getting back a lost piece of human nervousness
2 years of feeling an overintensity of Rapido thoughts,
2 years of flickering and not maintaining a path because I felt the deviations and also thought with little long term focus
2 years to realise the tick tock of brain chemistry should not be heard
2 years of trying to handle my natural state of being
Can I not go with the flow
Or is my flow and my known pathway not congenial
I didn't find a pathway of thinking that I felt comfortable with
Never a comfortable person, am I more okay with being comfortable but never natural
Is my natural worth fighting for
I fought but I didn't want my natural, I couldn't handle it, too draining to do any longer
Now I'm not mentally tired anymore but I'm mentally bored
I think I was bored in the 2 years too though but there was always anxiety to avoid
It was so painful, definitely anxiety is the biggest pain I know and I know lonliness and heartbreak and failure but anxiety Trump's them all as it has no outlet
I think I created so much stomach acid I'm surprised I didn't pee poison
And yet at the moment I crave it
Not the anxiety but the feeling of whimsy
A whimsy feeling of going with your gut on something as simple as what to do with 10minutes
Because today I just put myself to bed or tv
Inspired not by ten minutes but more how to kill them
Another brick in the wall
I don't know if I ever was any different but I think I hoped I could be
You know my vision blurs and I have a sore neck
I could just be getting old
Maybe the days of whimsy are over
Life's whimsy feeling may you come to me now...I think I'll just say this and wait, learn the art of patience if nothing else.
Clock in an hour a day to doing that
Although tired I'm sure I'll clock out

The downturn

Inner bubbling
Of a conscious rage against the view I see repeated in person after person
The ego
Reverberating
Like a sticky glue attached
Frustration
As I feel the glue
And see it on others unrestricted by it
Who else feels dripped in ego slime
I hanker for a glue acknowledged interaction

Thought it was angst its not its passion

So I've been watching nirvana unplugged,
A band revired in my adolescent
I was wiser then
I watched a doco to on his life
Not that this tells all but definitely insightful to his ways
I think I always thought he had so much to release
And he did
But what truly made him
Was that he was tuning his life into a craft
He made himself
He made of himself
And his focus and dedication into music, his something made it grand

Makes me think of my wrongful take on how I saw and do see things
I thought if the feeling was strong enough then it would make something
It's actually directing this feeling into something that makes something
So what to direct myself into?
An eternal question for me and perhaps my direction
A book on questioning oneself and ones existence
A book on the eternal musing of my.mind
How to stay focused on this? Keep at it. Delve deeper
Explore the workings and not just the Pyschology but the thoughts as thoughts
Why is my brain wired to question
Not what is the question
But why is my focus to question!
What do I gain from eternal struggle with thoughts on existence.

Keep calm

So not calm,
But it's now the overriding theme to how I wish to think.
Think with the calm of someone who knows it doesn't matter or doesn't care about the outcome.
Think calm like the coolest cat who's paving the calm train for setting everyone else on track.
Calm like the Carribbean
Calm like you never look back
Speak it like you own your body, cause you do, you just ain't got no control, so keep calm about that and fingers crossed it comes

Squeamish in skin

Consistently doubtful of reason.
If life real is not knowing and doing anyway,
Why is there such unease.
Accepting existing at all seems stupid,
Without reason, accepting reality makes me squeamish.
Like I'm disgusted by myself.
And accepting reality, for it's simple merry-go-round... squeamish at the choice I make.
It is simple confidence that makes everyone else fine, how are they so fine in their skin?
So happy with their definition of themselves...

Backwards steps

Everything is under a veil of not getting it right.

I wake to a critique of how I could have done it better and

An accounting ledger of what is weighing up unsuccessfully on my side.

I work at creating a couple of actions at the end of each half sleep beration, 

To work on for the day, to move me closer to how I'd like to be and how I'd like to spend my days,

And like yesterday, on failing to result the ledger fills.

I turn to tv to avoid the failure and this fills me with waste of space but with my energy disheartened from not at least having Astra enjoy the day I mope.

I don't think I've actually enjoyed a day since I just get fucked up and loose on alcohol and that's usually a night, with only ever a person gained in friendship, I visual friendship too, rarely one of connection but of likes.

Yesterday I was going to take Astra rollerskating, to do something active for her, no iPad and then go to a free concert, little bit of life to our weekend...

Yesterday's successes, learning skills on iPad, failure no money to buy full versions, will choose a full version today. Some...play but minor, no motivation from her to do anything but watch iPad and even then, when wanted to go in pool it was 6pm and I was to tired.

Failures, road to roller skating, not on, lunch, Astra ate mainly sugar, no substanstutive, couldn't be bothered going to free concert, stayed in an watched tv. Astra put herself to bed at lunch, slept 2 hours instead of listening to a crying mother.

Ive risky personal exploration goals that need focussing

Uncomfortable with myself
Uncomfortable with outcomes of decisions that at the time seemed so certain
Paths leading further and further away from progression in society and more more into self analysing
Analysis of the self is pointless to a certain degree
There is no rhyme or reason to emotional based responses
Emotion is an indication of your inclination to best take care / protect yourself
Where does this instinct come from is not something that should be pondered because it's unexplainable,
Not exactly but the variables are that variable you'll torment yourself like a mad scientist to try and figure out a only unreliable theory.
The only consolation is that if I think about myself like a tormented artist it is way more interesting than ya successful 9 to 5 happy days lifestyle
Did I choose a life of colour or did I choose a life with whimsical decisions which were erring on non sensical
Even this makes me think of it more like a personal exploration of risk
Well I can say to date, the exploration is unfocused
If I focus my efforts it may at least have a consolidated outcome of risky explorations
So the question...how to focus my risky personal exploration

Cacophony of beration

Cacophony always reminds me of a waterfall,
Streams tumbling down consistently,
Unstoppable.
The "you've not done enough" and "you've not done enough with your time, in time" thoughts are the water on my waterfall.
The land surface my brain.
Sure the influence isn't direct, some wear and tear to the hard rocky surface but in general resilient.
But, the consistency of the resonance of the thoughts through you all the time, how could you not take that on.
Now there's the change the water theory / the thoughts or
The accept the water / thoughts theory,
And the general one which makes me shift is fuck the water, it can go over me but I'm not taking it on board,
I'll enjoy the ride tis all!

Loose to goosing

Love that when I feel free I give more
I express more
I feel it more
And it's when I'm loose
When I'm untied from a train of thought

Commit to respond with action

Things I can do nadda about,
Consume thought after thought.
Commit
Commit to not wanting to think like this anymore
Respond
Take action to move,
Move to do something to counteract the thought.
You aren't good enough to do the job...
Think about how hard you are going to try to do the job and go and do that all day!
...
And I did!
Didn't get much written but am excited about the idea of work,
Doing work,
Doing work on myself about work,
Just work work work and feel good about the doing.
I may not be the most capable but I can put in as many hours as I can and I'm sure I could be the most capable I would hope for.
Repeating this mantra of just doing rectifies my state of mind back to one where I'm not losing 🤘

MJ Fitzpatrick says it's only when your at bursting point will you become fully committed to change.
I believe this to be true.
I call it the "fuck the world" moment.
Once I start thinking, fuck everything / everyone else, I start to get on from being where I was unhappy.
Admittedly, I haven't chosen the new direction, I've just picked a doable one, it actually seems all I'm capable of at that moment.
Muster up enough anger to do something within arm's reach.
I think till I get comfortable...
And this is again true.
I'm going to do this work till I'm confident enough and then choose.
This maybe my downfall.
I do the same with men...
Till I'm more confident to say, "no actually I'm going to hold out for a winner".
And then it becomes comfortable and what I'm in.
Well on a personal note I don't intend to do that this time.
I will continue to remuster again and again till I find a interaction that inspires living, inspires a vibrancy.
Job wise, I need to get experience under my belt to be able to express my capabilities and to utilise them, as they are currently like unfit muscles that need a few weeks of working out to be able to prove they are strong.