Squeamish in skin

Consistently doubtful of reason.
If life real is not knowing and doing anyway,
Why is there such unease.
Accepting existing at all seems stupid,
Without reason, accepting reality makes me squeamish.
Like I'm disgusted by myself.
And accepting reality, for it's simple merry-go-round... squeamish at the choice I make.
It is simple confidence that makes everyone else fine, how are they so fine in their skin?
So happy with their definition of themselves...

Backwards steps

Everything is under a veil of not getting it right.

I wake to a critique of how I could have done it better and

An accounting ledger of what is weighing up unsuccessfully on my side.

I work at creating a couple of actions at the end of each half sleep beration, 

To work on for the day, to move me closer to how I'd like to be and how I'd like to spend my days,

And like yesterday, on failing to result the ledger fills.

I turn to tv to avoid the failure and this fills me with waste of space but with my energy disheartened from not at least having Astra enjoy the day I mope.

I don't think I've actually enjoyed a day since I just get fucked up and loose on alcohol and that's usually a night, with only ever a person gained in friendship, I visual friendship too, rarely one of connection but of likes.

Yesterday I was going to take Astra rollerskating, to do something active for her, no iPad and then go to a free concert, little bit of life to our weekend...

Yesterday's successes, learning skills on iPad, failure no money to buy full versions, will choose a full version today. Some...play but minor, no motivation from her to do anything but watch iPad and even then, when wanted to go in pool it was 6pm and I was to tired.

Failures, road to roller skating, not on, lunch, Astra ate mainly sugar, no substanstutive, couldn't be bothered going to free concert, stayed in an watched tv. Astra put herself to bed at lunch, slept 2 hours instead of listening to a crying mother.

Ive risky personal exploration goals that need focussing

Uncomfortable with myself
Uncomfortable with outcomes of decisions that at the time seemed so certain
Paths leading further and further away from progression in society and more more into self analysing
Analysis of the self is pointless to a certain degree
There is no rhyme or reason to emotional based responses
Emotion is an indication of your inclination to best take care / protect yourself
Where does this instinct come from is not something that should be pondered because it's unexplainable,
Not exactly but the variables are that variable you'll torment yourself like a mad scientist to try and figure out a only unreliable theory.
The only consolation is that if I think about myself like a tormented artist it is way more interesting than ya successful 9 to 5 happy days lifestyle
Did I choose a life of colour or did I choose a life with whimsical decisions which were erring on non sensical
Even this makes me think of it more like a personal exploration of risk
Well I can say to date, the exploration is unfocused
If I focus my efforts it may at least have a consolidated outcome of risky explorations
So the question...how to focus my risky personal exploration

Cacophony of beration

Cacophony always reminds me of a waterfall,
Streams tumbling down consistently,
Unstoppable.
The "you've not done enough" and "you've not done enough with your time, in time" thoughts are the water on my waterfall.
The land surface my brain.
Sure the influence isn't direct, some wear and tear to the hard rocky surface but in general resilient.
But, the consistency of the resonance of the thoughts through you all the time, how could you not take that on.
Now there's the change the water theory / the thoughts or
The accept the water / thoughts theory,
And the general one which makes me shift is fuck the water, it can go over me but I'm not taking it on board,
I'll enjoy the ride tis all!

Loose to goosing

Love that when I feel free I give more
I express more
I feel it more
And it's when I'm loose
When I'm untied from a train of thought

Commit to respond with action

Things I can do nadda about,
Consume thought after thought.
Commit
Commit to not wanting to think like this anymore
Respond
Take action to move,
Move to do something to counteract the thought.
You aren't good enough to do the job...
Think about how hard you are going to try to do the job and go and do that all day!
...
And I did!
Didn't get much written but am excited about the idea of work,
Doing work,
Doing work on myself about work,
Just work work work and feel good about the doing.
I may not be the most capable but I can put in as many hours as I can and I'm sure I could be the most capable I would hope for.
Repeating this mantra of just doing rectifies my state of mind back to one where I'm not losing 🤘

MJ Fitzpatrick says it's only when your at bursting point will you become fully committed to change.
I believe this to be true.
I call it the "fuck the world" moment.
Once I start thinking, fuck everything / everyone else, I start to get on from being where I was unhappy.
Admittedly, I haven't chosen the new direction, I've just picked a doable one, it actually seems all I'm capable of at that moment.
Muster up enough anger to do something within arm's reach.
I think till I get comfortable...
And this is again true.
I'm going to do this work till I'm confident enough and then choose.
This maybe my downfall.
I do the same with men...
Till I'm more confident to say, "no actually I'm going to hold out for a winner".
And then it becomes comfortable and what I'm in.
Well on a personal note I don't intend to do that this time.
I will continue to remuster again and again till I find a interaction that inspires living, inspires a vibrancy.
Job wise, I need to get experience under my belt to be able to express my capabilities and to utilise them, as they are currently like unfit muscles that need a few weeks of working out to be able to prove they are strong.