Fading away in the world today takes everything you've got

So i spent 2 years see if i could live without clonzapam and a year and a half of that without but still on dothepin
2 years trying to see if I was strong enough to handle the thinking of societies way
2 years getting back a lost piece of human nervousness
2 years of feeling an overintensity of Rapido thoughts,
2 years of flickering and not maintaining a path because I felt the deviations and also thought with little long term focus
2 years to realise the tick tock of brain chemistry should not be heard
2 years of trying to handle my natural state of being
Can I not go with the flow
Or is my flow and my known pathway not congenial
I didn't find a pathway of thinking that I felt comfortable with
Never a comfortable person, am I more okay with being comfortable but never natural
Is my natural worth fighting for
I fought but I didn't want my natural, I couldn't handle it, too draining to do any longer
Now I'm not mentally tired anymore but I'm mentally bored
I think I was bored in the 2 years too though but there was always anxiety to avoid
It was so painful, definitely anxiety is the biggest pain I know and I know lonliness and heartbreak and failure but anxiety Trump's them all as it has no outlet
I think I created so much stomach acid I'm surprised I didn't pee poison
And yet at the moment I crave it
Not the anxiety but the feeling of whimsy
A whimsy feeling of going with your gut on something as simple as what to do with 10minutes
Because today I just put myself to bed or tv
Inspired not by ten minutes but more how to kill them
Another brick in the wall
I don't know if I ever was any different but I think I hoped I could be
You know my vision blurs and I have a sore neck
I could just be getting old
Maybe the days of whimsy are over
Life's whimsy feeling may you come to me now...I think I'll just say this and wait, learn the art of patience if nothing else.
Clock in an hour a day to doing that
Although tired I'm sure I'll clock out