Sun on my neck

"Feel the burn" ...I grew up knowing this as retro aerobics, yet it resonated with me. The push on through, the tone in which Jane spoke,she was just do it before Nike. Yet somehow the ideA of doing something intending for suffering, although with it's Buddhist appeal doesn't appeal to my mind compass. Physical compass yes, although almost 6 months on from any real exercise I don't feel this either. I realise the clonazepam gives me the calm to enable a focus of moment but I wonder if I'll get a long term inspiration back. I can do a long term plan but inspiration being the basis of strength behind a plan I do feel a loss of personal strength. I always had conviction but not long term direction so why I think now would be any different. In accepting this and taking the clonazepam out of the equation I am then left with my endless social analysis. Maybe my September counterpart Mr malcolm Gladwell has more in touch and definitely better utilisation of this aspect.

So what to do with this now. Why am I struggling at this point to go forth with my time and find something to be involved in. Am I really that tired from Astra and work. I think it's more an excuse to play along with the loss, to accept I don't have anything, to wallow. So if not to wallow what would I.choose? 

Choose

Choose

Or maybe letting go. Letting loose such that I go with the flow. Not something I really do although it's my intention. Maybe aydan is a perfect mirror of not choosing. I see a reflection of not only in work but in people and in lifestyle of not putting in fully. Self doubt the most accessible answer but really the brains capacity to not focus so much on itself foregone. All wrapped up in ego.

Thinking out of self. Skills I possess. Where should I go to let go?

the passing

I know I'm just passing time,

Passing by an uncensored reality

In favour on a survival lifestyle.

But alas it is I'll fitting on me,

Flatters neither fAce nor figure

And the representation of energy I aim for is see through,

And any genuine feeling is lost on the audience.

And I see the reverse, the trying when if they'd just embrace themselves. 

I was gonna say the try hards are succeeding but my jury is out. My dar is not off I think, so I will see some results.

yearning

Have I created something in my mind that is untrue, such that nothing else will do

Is the sense of a mutual energy all a farse, and all the moments butt a mind fart

The yearning inside would definitely say not, yet in reality it doesn't mean a whole lot

And it hurts that it can't be resolved

weighted inward

High in my chest before the chest plate ends and it becomes the neck

There's a weighted ache, like it's pulling a section of the chest inward,

Held at the edges, like ropes pulled tight to hold up the Trojan horse,

And like the Trojan ready to let loose and cascade through my body,

The attack.

Releasing waves of sadness at the nonexistence of connection

timing and waiting

Left and right 

A leg sore with a need to move and stretch

A constant changing position, still not enough to kwell the soreness

Desires to eat in times well before necessary,

A physical doing to a mental problem

I can't stop this feeling

Only an exercise of the brain to assist in easing the uneasy