lonely heart

Comfort suddenly lost

Through my own instigating 

For one moment over another

I cry with the emptiness, after not having to even know of this "all by myself feeling" such that I'd forgotten it's painful existence

I'm taking today and throwing it out of the park

Creating an affirmation I find a big fat farse

The concept though that you can perpetuate a more productive and loving way of thinking I agree with

So into.my mixer I chuck these 2 elements and out comes

Today I'm aiming for goal

The pressures on sure but so is the excitement

I may miss but I may do a long shot that rolls through and that's exciting

Today I'm going for a long shot and hoping for a nail biting roll through goals

I will definitely have a soccer dance move ready for when it does...even though my imagery is a footy goal

Today I'm aiming for my long shot

looking

Somewhere along the line

The long medicated line

All I saw was the moment 

And dealing with the harshness of it

I spent no time thinking any other way

And now

I'm lost doing nothing

It's a different directionless

It's one without doing

Don't get out

Feel terrible I don't get out enough and more that Astra doesn't.

Tv becomes dominant and as I look for New places to live, is it really location or vibe that is restricting my being active post work

Can't stop

There's this process

Life

It's frustrating, mainly because I've nothing to follow

My intuitions aren't enough to keep me on track

There's nothing concrete to definitely correlate

So yeah I'm not sure it's my cup of tea.

When it comes to choice I've always been like "I didn't choose this"

So best scenario for outcomes of this being...

Start to choose...That's been a winner in terms of feeling good

Grabbing onto the feeling isn't such a good ride cause of the overanalysis part but it's definitely the most convictive.

Recommendations for future work...

The most comfortable I've ever been was when I was actually following someone else's conviction but I believed it was a good fun path...

Tonight I wish for that. A good story.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write one.

How to stop feeling sick

All these fearless people,

Is the experience of fear still a life?

Is the experience of discomfort a notable thing?

And comparatively, if noting anything, of value?

What would make my experience valuable?

Maybe even without value it is no different.

The feeling itself is a natural instinct in order to not die

That says a lot about my time spent.

People are grateful for life, what makes them so or like my life direction, is it actually less of a choice!

mind altering, its a knockout that's the game

I'm on the drugs that killed river Phoenix

It's a knockout that's the name, its a knockout that's the game, its a knockout that's the name of the game.

Can't help but think that this state of absorption of mind in the day to day and in particular the lack of attention focus which I was once famously revered by myself, is a product of clonazepam. I am grateful for the relief at not knowing my own anxiety of doing but I am also perturbed constantly by my own lack of awareness, particularly of others. My senses are dulled it seems to be at others levels, although I still maintain the values, the actual carry out is lost.

So what is lost?

The reaction to a person's feelings. The attention is there but there is a lack of awareness of value to reaction at the time. 

My interactions with others although may always have been as quick are less focussed on the feeling in responding to it. It's like I let the moment fly as it is. Yet I also still am aware that it's not how I'd like to conduct myself.

The days aren't nice, let me off the self propelling societal push.

It's on the go, its on the run

You just can't stop

The momentum.

It's consistent, its persistent

It seems like fun

But it's undone.

Cacophony of stress

A build up of muscle tension

But really it's all mental.

Not looking in a direction 

Just being pushed

Not sure how to brake the slippy slide.

I want to talk, I want to look

But time just keeps on keeping on.

And then the day is over 

And then I feel the burn

Of a constant propulsion.

Cry's.