cacophony

I'm a cacophony of emotives,

Non correlated,

Swirling around frantically,

Like looking at biological chaos theory.

The reactionary me sees only a metre in front,

And actions seem uncontrolled as I navigate metre by metre.

When something happens that creates a discord, 

There is a reflective pause 

And the assessment of the chain of reactions leads to an upset stomach,

A what's going on such that non of these short term happy endeavours lead to anything.

What's the real cause of my overall discomfort?

It may just be who I am, naturally inclined to be edgy, incapable of satification in sendantry 

reaction to Mark Manson writing

The reality of his words makes experiences less painful and the future brighter...we attribute the meaning to the pain, if pain is inevitable, make the meaning something you can move on with. I've created a science about deciphering meaning, with conclusions that vary a scale from meaningless to uncontrollably unknown but ultimately it is all your perception, so attribute as you will. Each person being their own magic trick, an illusion to themselves. I remember when I watched the doors at 16 and thoughts around whether you could alter the physical through perception. Because my perception is so fluid the lines of reality look like a mirage but the atomical science is fixed. Living in the mirage means walking the path of uncertainty constantly, viewing all the varied perceptions of one line of action and the multiple lines that form the blurred mirage that is my future.

Can't even write

Every thought has a counteractive what if?

Such that I can't even commit to 1 idea of what's happening or where I should choose to go

I am uncertain why I feel unmotivated so I try to decipher why I am feeling like this, or even what would I like to be doing instead

And I have no answer

I'm uncertain

The uncertainty breeds more inactive behaviour breeding further unsettled nature

I struggle with deciding what I'd like to do as nothing seems appealing.

So perhaps I'll dream

If anything was possible what would make me feel content

The answer an inspiring person who makes me laugh, I could live with that happily moving forward

Can I find that? I'm not sure I'm attractive enough as a person to find that.

So I guess I can make a point to work on myself till then.

Work on being inspired

Create environments that inspire to be inspired

What would they be

Nature's form appreciation

Ocean appreciation

Design appreciation

Creative soul's appreciation like docos or music

Films, stories of culture

The myths and creating stories of historical based fantasy