kiitsch

2012-01-15T21:46:00.001+08:00

check it,
its been a year
and blogger is different am i ?
i love the things i used to
im sad at the things i still struggle with
i feel stronger and yet weaker in most aspects of life
how is it that the same thought pattern returns
is it only when it is in my present that i really see myself
do i not see myself enough
i would like to check in
have a moderator so to speak
not necessarily to moderate but to correlate
to assess my patterns
to pattern my life
to confirm the strengths and weaknesses
to say yeah i hear ya
to say yep thats what your thinking
how to self confirm...
if only to ease what seems like circle

tips for lonliness

2011-02-14T00:06:00.002+08:00

dont watch love movies
dont watch movies where others are lonely
dont watch tv series about successful relationships
don't watch anything, get out of the fucken house fool!

the loss of loss

2011-02-04T14:25:00.000+08:00

so its bemusing
one moment fine
thinking interview is going well
relating well to people
...
how distorted is my perception
and then
they "had a better candidate"
...
i don't think im made for working
i know! repetition!
....
why don't i do anything about it ?
why have i never taken a leap of faith into fashion?
a leap of faith into work life?
socially i leap, so whats the go ?
freudian father complex i reckon
... easier to place blame elsewhere
i haven't done anything
nothing ventured, nothing gained

maybe i should throw myself out of my own life and invite someone else in
i really want someone to tell me what to do

blue blue heart

2010-12-21T11:12:00.000+08:00

its not cold but its blue
its like its been drained
it cried out all the salty warmth
and now it is blue
it sinks into the body
as heat rises and cool falls
i feel its drop

i never wanna forget this ladies words

2010-12-15T15:14:00.002+08:00

http://www.etsy.com/storque/search/title/yokoo/
how beautiful is her philosphy on living!
given life to live
you are in control
if only i could trust in myself like her
she is beautiful, i hope we are all connected so i can say im so proud of that bit of me :)

immersed

2010-12-07T13:16:00.000+08:00

farting like a champion

baked beans hmmmm

im surrounded in the stench of my own contemplation of shit

it seems like a disgusting course of play

i wish to leave a pursue other avenues but this is the one i have chosen

stuck in a loop

hooked to the circle

how is it that when i see something really inspiring, initially enlivened I am soon down and critical about my own endevours

i don't do this

or that

or when i think about the statement " once you realise you are in control of your life " i still don't believe it

questioning...who would of thought that was part of my character :P

2010-08-12T10:38:00.001+08:00

Do u trust i have a good heart ?
Sometimes i think maybe i am selfish and that im not doing things for the right reasons,
even though i think i am!
Should i be less loud, or am i really trying to make people happy and live lighter or is that my ego ?
Sometimes i don't know, i used to know and now i doubt!

I was told by a psychic on the weekend not to listen to the other thoughts but the ones told to me by my heart... i wish that it was all i heard :)

whats inside

2010-07-13T19:44:00.001+08:00

people hold dreams and realities
ideas and then the products
the writing and then the book

whats inside me
chaos
amidst it, are centres of glowing inspiration
tangled they know not of their value or can see their relevance to each other

so lets say i go for 5 balls of inspiration,
none of which can see but a glimmer of each other
how do i fuse them to rid myself of the chaos
to create a tranquil place of bonded strength ???

as it is
i know only moments of strength, of clarity
dislocated from other moments
no moment more clear and resolute to enable this dissipation of confusion

i do want peace but do i have to give up energy to have it ???
i don't think so but i don't see peace, i don't see tolerance, i don't see injustice, without a fight!

sitting here

2010-07-13T15:10:00.001+08:00

i've met some travellers and
i've met some people who are going travelling
i've met some people who change towns in order to experience a different perspective
i know all of these states
i never lose control though, even when i probably have, i haven't acknowledged its presence!
im just as scared of what i do have, as what i don't have!
im scared about not following my passion
im scared about following my passion
im scared about people dominating my thoughts
im scared about pushing people away and being left with my own

and just when im comfortable with who i am and what im doing,
it seems there is an interruption of someone (usually as opposed to something) that makes me feel like i havent shown good heart and passion but in fact a display of selfishness or egotistical nature or something that just makes you feel dirty about what you have done.

when others seem so certain about things, what they want and where they are going,
im in a state of "maybe"
and then when i find out they are not happy, were not certain and things have gone terribly awry
it doesn't provide clarity but makes things again seem difficult to choose!
so don't choose... my friend would say! but i do choose, i choose to listen to him, to be there, to live in a house... all things i chose.
he to chooses, but he still thinks he does not choose. sure once your in the circumstance you cant dictate your reactions completely but most of the time you choose to be there. he choose to message me and see if i wanted to hang out, that was a choice
so i don't know how "not to choose"
and maybe this is an excuse
and maybe it is my nature
i have always found although i'd like to be open, i always have something that tells me im still thinking, still choosing!

Scared to partake in life

2010-06-23T16:30:00.009+08:00

Sometimes it scares me,
the interactions i have.
A non tonal or without the clarity of face interactions
And then the reinterpretation of past events.
I don't think i could do them again.
I don't think I want the future uncertainity.
Even the simple act of sleepin... will my dog be ok, did i do or say the right thing!
It scares me.
What is to become of me,
how do i make a decision?
How can others dictate my actions.
What am i doing and does it make sense!
Random is good, till u think of the repercussions o ur emotional self!

Talking to myself isn't enough

2010-06-22T23:12:00.000+08:00

"hoping to find the lost splintered pieces of ourselves" (united states of tara)
sometimes there is just no one to talk to, how is it with so many people out there.... lost

Strength in a physical standing and emotional distance

2010-05-28T22:03:00.003+08:00

Way before the tshirts, he used to hold me, with his big strong arms and tell me to toughen up! Even as i cried cause i didnt know wat to do, i felt safe in those arms! I used to joke about him having a front backpack which i could sit and cuddle him in while he went about his work. At that stage i didnt eat much and i said people would barely notice!

Dimly lit

2010-05-27T01:36:00.001+08:00

There is no doubt on the truth of the questions! Thus to question the unquestionable is to be untrue to the soul! Wat greater gift than the choice to decide and the audacity to stand by urself, ur own doppleganger, urself no longer a victum but a team, one to reassure and back u at ur best odds! I miss introversion, i miss doodling, these things should have there own time, above and beyond other priorities! I am here to stay!

in the movies vs real life

2010-04-20T14:29:00.001+08:00

watching movies of strength and overcoming adversity makes me feel weak and silly that im emotional over the things that i am!
Its only in independence of creating something that i fee stronger! Like there is a little bit of claire out there in the world!
And why is it I have to be out there! ?
Cause otherwise i don't feel alive! Without validation it seems somewhat obsolete!But the validation is only thru me, of how proud i feel. I think work although validated isn't by me and thus it isn't sustaining! Is not satisfying!
I never gave myself the freedom to fly with work, it was like it must be done, not u choose ur own adventure!

To independence

2010-04-19T23:26:00.000+08:00

what say ye

2010-04-12T09:31:00.001+08:00

i think but do i really say! I barely influence my own sense of self, why is it i don't believe my own intuition. learn to trust, maybe then i shall find the right path... is it the longing that keeps me from it!

materialism is a little bothering

2009-10-01T09:19:00.001+08:00

after seeing "the 11th hour" i've been re-invigerated with a plight against my own materialism. i used to avoid buying large goods so that i could always move on but i actually think my buying of crap including rubix cubes and the like are also a downfall. the amount of mass waste even when it comes to old computers is ridiculous! how this can be avoided is a politician's nightmare but my nightmare of my own materialism still plagues me.

fighting what is the natural flow of society is really difficult! don't buy! who wants to follow that mantra!

comparisons are shit!

2009-08-03T09:38:00.001+08:00

i see others creating their families, sharing their lives!

and i feel old!

i fell like mine is without this fitted bond that makes u keep going.

i look at my fish and roofus and where my love and energy goes and it seems less forfilled.

people having babies, getting married and falling in love is really starting to make me angry and i wonder why!

is it because they r recognised, is it cause it seems valid and they r validated by society!

my events all seem distant and unrewarding in retrospect and yet at the time they feel right!

does thinkin and wanting more negate wat im doing!

am i denying my own validation by looking for too much, are my comparisons my own worst enemy! is lookin at others lives, slowly killing my soul, my passion ?

how can i live without placing my circumstance relative to others ???

when things look flat

2009-07-31T10:42:00.001+08:00

its amazing what a dream can do to brighten your flat times.
last nights dream was a relative gay martigra! and this morning i was enlivened with spirit!
if dreams were reality, my world would be warped and im undecided if it would be more or less frightening and or enlivening than life :) i sway in both directions on this one.
is life or dreams more....

unforfiled time

2009-07-30T08:42:00.001+08:00

feelings, uncatered for, internalised in the subconcious, unacknowledged and thus unexplored. LOST

i forget

2009-04-23T11:08:00.003+08:00

how quickly i forget what was on my mind intensely 10 mins ago!
i had this point of reflection that i just had to express and now it is gone!

oooo
i remember
it was about this lobotomy documentary i watched last night,
about how there has probably always been the same proportion of people unable to cope with the process of life.
the lobotomy "came to life" after the end of WW2 and the pictures of multitudes in concentration camps and then their was a wash in the newspapers a series on how the mental institutions showed similar sights of people fear embodied and distraught with them housed on mass in similar hygenic and otherwise sites such as viewed in concentration camps.

then came the quick fix to mental issues of the lobotomy where in fact once freedman had developed his version of the lobotomy it was a 3min job. it involved severing the nerves between the thalamas and the frontal lobes! after which most people where some what vegetables but at least, gone was the fear and the pain of mental anguish.

raised was the question of what did we value more in life the ability to feel or the ability to be only semi functional. either way i would say they were only semi-functional, it was just the effect on others that made the decision easy, make them a vegetable, i wish not to see them in such pain. and yet i to may have given consent at points in my life where the pain was unbearable, although the prospect of being a vegetable wouldn't win either so maybe no lobotomy for me!

it was gross though, he literally shoved a steel icepick under the eyelid and cracked through to the brain and severed sections! he couldn't possibly have know exactly which but just at best guess "in the general area" which he intended to sever!

it was weird! ... from that though came the drug to do a non surgical lobotomy, having similar vegetative states to that of the lobotomy! and thats how we got onto drugs to cure mental illness, weird eh, seeing this is now how i am under this control!

a step on from a lobotomy eh, but still a medicine in order to dull my reality!

did you know they still perform lobotomies in extreme cases of obsessive compulsive disorder... weird eh!

bfldjkhalk

2009-04-17T09:37:00.000+08:00

its the continuing upward spiral of intensity that gets me,
the increasing load of "your not doing what everyone else is doing"!
now don't get me wrong its not like this is a new phenomena to me,
but bloody hell how long will the parade of life disconnected to your own continue!
will it be like this endlessly?
a life outside of what reality portrays
i suppose that is why i watch art films

My new 6 foot fish tank

2008-11-19T14:16:00.001+09:00

Rejection

2008-11-02T17:55:00.001+09:00

Rejection, when u would do something and they can't be bothered!
Rejectionwhen u could do anything and they've only open to one option!
Rejection! Rejection! Am i not the same, am i not adequate! am i not!
Wat u want!
The misunderstanding bout why that could be... breeds rejection!

travelling along singing a song

2008-11-02T17:51:00.003+09:00

do u travel hoping u will fall in love with a place and wanna spend the rest of ur days there or do u travel just to see a place!
i love perth and to be honest i think its got everything to offer but do i yearn for something better ?
A life of casual acceptance of everyday without being wrapped up in the bullshit of society!
Well hell yeah!
A simple life of honest livin without bein part of the ratrace, well yeah, i do wish for that!
But do i believe that its a reality?
A possibility?
Well frankly my dear i don't believe i do!
I think the whole world is wrapped up in it!
Its hard to believe i could find a middle ground, one where i could live with the comfortability which i like of society and that which would come with less possessions, most of which i've taken a liking too :)

dreamtime

2008-11-02T17:22:00.003+09:00

i dreamt i had dreadlocks and they were dead sexy!
i gotta stop buying lotto, its like im waiting for an event to happen in my life instead of making shit happen!
i plod around with wat i've got and im getting ok with that, its more a case of wat more do i want!
but is wanting more a bad thing, or should i just go with the flo and if i feel the vibe do something else!
i know i feel a frustration at watching more tv!

BEER TIME

2008-11-02T17:17:00.002+09:00

catching up with clare was great!
i do miss her freedom and i get nervous flourishing with her!
a freedom of expression with all the nervous elements of wanting!
wanting more time yet happy with anything she gives!
it contains also a not needing anything, not like its a have to cause i know its not a can have!
acceptance of interaction for wat it is!
i think this is something i used to possess a lot more of cause it was around the people that were congenial to it!
yay those people i say!

i don't have a cold

2008-11-02T17:16:00.001+09:00

its amazing how many people think i have a cold,
in fact explaining it is starting to grate on me!
wish i could just be normal!

testing, testing

2008-11-02T17:07:00.002+09:00

its like this big fucken test that no one is passing!
i know where i stand in the class, its not far up but im praised for my initiative!
i can't even say that is correct!
i just think i show initative but really im just a little different and i even fucken apologised for it!
fuck!
how suckered into this crap am i such that im sorry for being out of line!
sorry for being a little weird!
am i so sure that conformity is the answer, hell no, but for some reason i bear its babies like a good girl and pretend i like it and im doing ok!
i can barely speak, lord knows wat they think of me!
fuck!
i hate this trip!
if its all one glorious game to get to know ones self than i really screwed myself over!
lets hope the other parts of me are enjoying the ride, cause i drank to much of this cup of life and im about to barf!
and yet i suck up the american crap im fed and devour the reformatting they r giving me!
born to be born, may all beings be happy! who really knows that word!
certainly no one i know!
a bunch of misaligned shots at having a go!
oh well better luck next time!

hum of the 9-5

2008-11-02T17:05:00.002+09:00

sleepin on trains has become my new fav pasttime, its up there with getting drunk!
Its a no pressure, soothing time of the day which is really now an extentsion of me staying in bed!
I wish in the same way that i don't have to get out of bed that i don't have to get off the train!

roofus

2008-11-02T17:02:00.002+09:00

i credit my dog, roofus with a lot of my well being and still i keep him outside!
i question my love, i question my judgement of his happiness in being an outside dog!
i know other outside dogs who aren't happy but they also aren't walked daily or looked after much!
But then again how much is exactly that i do do with him and is it enough i wonder?

my 30th immersion

2008-07-24T14:52:00.000+08:00

from the depths emerged a mud slickened figure, like she was flung up with the flick of hair to remove it from the face, after immersion in water... (too long an analogy?..smee) ... this will be the figure of 30, freshly discovered but fully developed, dirty yet natural, mystified by a lather of dark coating but pure in intent with blue eyes pervading through the darkness they are set in! silent! a simple explanation comes with a strength of poise and facial character as she conveys all that is done and gone and a willingness to be engrossed in the future!

lotto pages

2008-04-20T15:04:00.001+08:00

isn't it funny... i've been reading the lotto pages, it really does corny up the dream!! but i'm hooked!

HOW WOULD YOU SPEND A SHARE IN THE $19 MILLION SUPERDRAW?

11 April 2008

Tomorrow night's $19 million Superdraw has WA Lotto players' minds ticking over about just how they'd spend a Division One prize.

According to Lotterywest spokesperson, Gina Zanotti, the most common spending plans for Division One Lotto winners are paying off the mortgage, taking a holiday and sharing the money with family.

But there have been some winners whose spending plans include things that are a little out of the ordinary, such as:

• A pensioner who won $9 million in Powerball and planned to buy new flannel pyjamas.

• A big burly bloke from Kalgoorlie who said he would buy his Mum a new sewing machine.

• A syndicate of all-female aged care workers and one resident whose top priority was to buy new lingerie.

• A syndicate of four mine workers who booked a holiday at the luxurious El Questro homestead.

• Two women who planned on going to the ALF Grand Final at the MCG.

• A man who planned to finish flying lessons and get a job as a pilot.

• A man said he would walk the Great Wall of China.

• 56 Armadale shift workers whose spending plans included a Hills hoist and a new set of dentures.

"Everyone’s Lotto dream is a little different, and half the fun of playing Lotto is dreaming about how you’d spend a big prize. We're hoping to meet some lucky WA Superdraw winners next Monday, having made their dreams a reality – no matter how weird or wonderful!" said Ms Zanotti.

im addicted to lotto

2008-04-20T14:36:00.002+08:00

so im reading all the lotto winners stories online,
and they are the corniest pieces of journalism you'll ever find
and yet it fills me with joy reading them,
just thinking how the "rags to riches" story could be me!!
there was a stat, 31 division 1 winners in wa till april 17th,
thats like 9 a month! i could totally be in that 9 :)
its not that im delusional about the amount of people and lotto tickets bought
i just honestly am swept up in the "charlie and the chocolate factory" idea that it could be me!
i've just got have lady luck!
my randomness is just as good as anyones :)
god, i really love lotto!!

ha! funny!

generation difference

2008-04-18T20:50:00.003+08:00

there is the generation above, which im starting to feel more and more compassion to,
as i notice the younger generations dislocation!
its like one off puts me and the other reconfirms a sense of humanity!
its like im choosing which group im in and it pisses me off the lack of respect that the younger gen has!
im sure its a natural progression and its been happening for generations but the prominence of it,
strikes me as way more relevant to the way i want to live!
by all means be expressive but not to the detriment of others or the dislocation from otheres!
its like im agreeing we r all the same and altho ive always known i want it acknowledged like the older generation somewhat demands!
i feellike i stink like the alcohol that is left over from last night and i can't get away from it!
it really does ooze out and its not so pleasant!
its like an uncontrolled odor as much as u try to mask it, it pervades, like someone who hasn't bathed fordays,
u think i can't be that bad but u have aclimatized urself to urself such that a little scent to u, is oppressive to others!
but i don't know this, i just know i repulse myself in terms of nasal smell!
i don't like the idea of prominence over others environment,
or is it that i don't like being dominant,
noticed for the wrong thing!
easily flattered, easily offended!

train talk

2008-04-18T20:42:00.002+08:00

all these people looking down,
tired or avoiding or afraid or isolated!
its all so dislocated!
wat is it if not a community that ur in!
its part of ur life the same as it is theirs,
why not be compromising and accepting of their part,
to make things comfortable!
the thing is,
am i saying that from a dominating point of view ?
i don't think so cause others dominate me,
but i do notice that im a bit louder than most in common circumstance,
i tend to dramatise and speak things dramatically which is usually overpowering and why would i do that ?
is it cause i need the reconfirmation that im ok and agree with me
or that i just feel the need to express ideas more than others,
i think i think that,
but i think i may be deluding myself!
my perception is that im out there but i don't think i dominate!
it does concern me tho,
maybe cause i do things differently!
i really don't care tho but only in retrospection,
i have to deal with myself, so i tell myself its ok and justify a good outcome,
cause there is no one else i need to justify it to!
it is my world!
but i still feel like im holding back!
i don't feel like i should be that different than those next to me!

no balance

2008-04-18T20:39:00.002+08:00

i see all circumstances like mine,
and those that r not,
no balance between the 2
only the 2 fighting for an a monopolizing view in my head!
its weird, especially with me, who is tha, making decisions about which one i believe and i don't even know wat that voice is, apart from its a belief!
there are some people i am definitely scared of,
like wat r they doing ?!*!
and i don't know wat to do with wat they r saying!

dream

2008-04-18T20:36:00.002+08:00

cotton wool ur eyes with salt water then sterilize your face and wash it off!
enter the hole in this special zone that leads to a younger world,
where you have to kill all the "bad" littler people and escape the hatch before they come back!
otherwise the next generation would change and you wouldn't exist.
took many trials to master the process to get to the parallel universe

if it came from the bible

2008-04-16T15:25:00.001+08:00

if i said this question came from the bible would u love me or hate me ?
when someone shows compassion to someone they don't know, do u feel kindness ?

dislocation from emotion

2008-04-16T15:15:00.001+08:00

there is an excess of uncatered for emotions!
randomly crying, to no-one!
wat happens when there is no family unit like in todays society and distance between individuals such that someone is left without support.
its become a cold world!

righteousness

2008-04-16T15:13:00.001+08:00

how do u let go of righteousness,
a wanting to find out how to deal and figure life out correctly!
isn't that wat we are doing when we do meditation, thinking its our way, our figuring out the way to conduct our body and mind!
how do u let go of the trying to prove things to oneself ?

wat the

2008-04-16T15:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really do wonder wat im doin ?
I mean I can't even make a decision about wat sort of life id like to lead, let alone actually making a life!
Is it about wat i become tho ?
how much i grow and take in?
Or is it just me feeling bits of myself, self propelent reaction and im just the spot that feels that like poke!
It is really just checking himself out, observing how he conducts himself, only to figure out there is nothing more to it than the observation.
It doesn't go anywhere or serve some meaning u put into it!
It just is an observing itself point of view!
Or is it about feeling and connecting itself back up to the whole!

dream - a - rama

2008-04-16T10:44:00.003+08:00

There were outside and inside people and if the inside people went outside they would slowly diminsh and die.
they looked like lucazade bubbles, i had hey with a woman and a man and making the woman come made me come over her!

people they hurt

2008-04-16T10:25:00.002+08:00

So this guy really hurts me when he is not interested!
And yet i invited him to hurt me again.
I was in a state of needing to feel liked and special and so i took something back which i lost last time,
my dignity,
but the next morning did i realise i'd actually given it back to him again ?
is it better being a sucker to a sense of humour and having someone say they want u being a sucker
or is it a wake up call to what u really want!
Is it a wake up call to standing up for urself and saying hold on im worth more than that.
But to be honest, i don't think i need more than that at the time.
At the time I think that all i need is to feel lighter, to feel freer, to feel like im more open to love because someone is offering it to me openly!
Saying im hot and confirming in words wat most of the time i find hard to say to others.
So where he has difficulty accepting afterwards, whether he regrets it or not, at that moment, he is there with me and i know its not a lie, the way he looks at me, i make him nervous, its ok!
Cause he does wat i don't and verbalizes wat i need and wat is comforting.
So if anything i have learnt that having this makes me feel good and right and happy!
That confirmation i got from spider, that she thought i was awesome, the shy signs from guys that show they r interested but have never said, this is wat i look for and obviously wat i need to make me happy!
I could fool myself and say otherwise but it comes back to the same old story,
im lookin for praise, a "great job" by my dad or a "ur fantastic" from my mum and i lack it!
but then again why is it when told straight out by kim i don't respond affectionately, altho sometimes i do!
But when she says it when not drunk i don't respond well!
Altho when texted by brenden i can automatically be dirty!
I just think im more attracted to the strength i don't have of a man!
The brut force of his caring and if someone ever showed me some of the corny lines of tv and was actually cool, it would take me 2 secs to fall in love!
But most people don't have that confidence about themselves, just like i don't!
So any presence would only ever be till u realised otherwise!
I also know i feel guilty, guilty cause when i had nothing, corgie was there and treated me the same but is that cause he doesn't really see who i am or cause he is actually just willing to put up with suffering?

superficial

2008-04-16T09:26:00.002+08:00

I'm so sceptical of people, i step on their pillows!
Was it the disrespect or wanting of superficial attraction that i get pissed off at!
Either way i don't like attention seeking people!
And I don't want to react like they do!

uncatered for

2008-03-28T09:11:00.000+09:00

there is an excess of uncatered for emotions!
randomly crying
to noone
wat happens when there is no community unit like in todays society
and distance between individuals
that someone is left without any consolation
without support
its become a cold world

disappointment

2008-03-27T22:50:00.000+09:00

with an up
there comes a down
i should watch tv
more
or less?
hmmmm no words
just disappointment
prevails

the internet is the funniest thing

2008-03-21T01:18:00.002+09:00

how is it i spend all day droneously on one and then
at night continue to widdle away my hours again on one
virtual sex and random chat and discovering what the real meaning of your personality is by staring at it on a screen in a dimly lit room and waiting for pictures to upload!
ha!
how the delusions are so easy to maintain
their is a comfortableness in the distance of the internet
only partially engaging in interaction by feeling the freedom of a barrier to protect you
"on your terms only"
pay 9.95 now for the pleasure!
it must be some seeded comfort in not having the reprecussions of an adverse reaction from a person, just click the computer off and they go away... the real thing leaves stains on your carpet and spaces in your bed and damages your comfortable heart into a state of dishevel
not knowing what to do
...
would i find more time by myself staring at nature instead of a screen if i lived back in the nomadic day ?
would my needs be forfilled in other ways
or perhaps i wouldn't have the need ... it sure wouldn't be in the form of a safe barriered interaction that i get on the computer
anyhow im tired from all my virtual sex, time to lie on the couch! ha!

lovestruck

2008-03-10T19:46:00.002+09:00

i heard 2 stories and saw many visible evidence of people being lovestruck on the weekend!

an absolute infatuation with the person and a clear wanting to be around them and share themselves with each other!

i came away from a party, which beforehand i had been content, with a sense of loss, a sense of not having that which is clearly avaliable to every human being when they find someone they really jel with!

although the previous evening i had been sure that i was nowhere even close to love but had been happy to continue a relationship, i believe this is out of fear!

and i believe this fear is holding me back from more forfilling times, dictated by who i am and how i interact... but due to my lack of belief of my capabilities on this front, i now just feel lonely and on the outside of life!

i know comparisons are wrong but they can also be a wake up call! i hope this is enough of a jolt!

looking

2008-02-29T13:37:00.002+09:00

Well when u look, u don't see anyone worthwhile and when u don't look u seem to be getting attention!
I wasn't looking till I decided id like to look and now the potential is slim!
I think ill go back to not looking, there is nothing appealing about someone who needs u, only if they want u bad!
Im gonna change my tac and be out there claire!
Why not, i can shift, i can say it was all shyness, is that cute ?
if i thought someone was hot yet shy, i'd find that cute... i think!
It just depends if im hot and cute or just average shy!

people

2008-02-29T12:08:00.002+09:00

sometimes i see some people and i thnik, fuck id like to get to know that person!
The way they carry themselves, the way they look, their essence seems to scream to mine, hey u would dig me!
I love looking at these people!
I don't necessarily imagine wat they do but i admire, even tho i know nothing other than the look!
I think thats why I like checking out other peoples photos, seeing who they have connected with purely on a visual basis!
I like catching the city train cause u see a diversity of people and i like to know wats out there!
The vibe!
I think it makes me feel more secure in who I am by seeing this diversity!
I'm not sure exactly how this works but it relaxes me!
I think this exposure makes situations where there are lots of people less intimidating!

daze

2008-02-21T16:39:00.002+09:00

I forgot wat day it was, woke up not knowing whether it was weekend or weekday!
Pervaded by leftovers of a weird dream where glenn was dissing me for popularity!
Left my dog with a 5 minute pat!
There is an akward nature to me in my dreams, like i don't gel with polularity and am uninvited into those circles.
Then dream ended by me creating a car accident, i first knowcked off side mirror as hadn't finished crossing road and then made them roll over into drive thru, as pulled the finger or yelled something.
I was really concerned about the security of my bag and the fact that didn't need to drink till people started arriving, then worried didn't have anything to drink.
There was also a patronising nature to the people who knew me, like they didn't care to know me anymore!

where'd the ideas go

2008-02-21T16:36:00.002+09:00

Im sure as you get older your ideas diminish, ur inquisition turns to worry. How is it i feel less capable than before i had experience! Its like I could have done anything and every day i feel i can do less and less! Loooking into peoples faces, i see they too with quarms, waiting to see wat happens! Plodding thru a half ass attempt at living, accepting to be average or their version of ok! I see girls expressing themselves in clothes, just as I did, reaffirming their sense of individuality and self! It makes me happy to relate superficially with the random!

Intimacy issues

2008-02-21T16:17:00.002+09:00

the upside of not having intimacy for a while is the freedom to explore and create more of myself, it reinforces appreciation and love for others comes with greater ease cause u look to others to fille the "same old, same old" of comfortability from consoling yourself with one person!

get away

2008-01-27T18:54:00.000+09:00

i just don't like being interupted,
create my own time,
if its forced on me i automatically don't like it,
i just can't deal with it, my way or the highway,
i create a highway, im not very good at adapting to something i don't want
its the whole acceptance / voice issue i suppose!
fuck it, its how i am, i should start living it
im tired of things not going my way
very tired

ooooo noooooooo

2008-01-16T23:27:00.000+09:00

you know sometimes when you look and go just think "ooooo noooo", how the hell did i let this little bit of a slip turn into a slide right off a banana peel and straight hard down on your tailbone!

im pixelated

i've let me addictions to documentaries and creating an itinerary of worthwhile shows to watch on www.yourtv.com.au and now... now its turned on! i've been finding the more i turn the box on to watch the "meerkat manor " show turn into watching the show after that, then a little tennis and then a summer series tv show and then ahhhhhh the family guy and then 2 disks, thats 12 episodes people of "that 70s show" and ...

more and more i find myself becoming a devourer of tv and i've that mentality of "maybe if i just remember that mon 9.30 has californication on and now tue 9.30 i have to see how the protestants and catholics fought over england and how "monarchy " will transend to the next generation after the king, who has ruled since 14 dies at 32 of some infection.... its addictive people and its narrated by a guy who is more pompos than david attenborough in english tones :)

my little slip has lead me into a hole of pixelation

who needs life when you have tv...will this be my last post

no no i forgot about the writers block in the US! ha! i can't believe this world! good lord, the people will riot if they don't get a new season of prison break... lord knows i may join the case if they don't tell me what happens to michael :P

crazy!!

Past the point

2008-01-04T13:44:00.000+09:00

You know when you just have that uncomfortability with someone,
like something needs to be said,
and usually cause you think you'd get along,
but nothing is said
and your left wondering,
what could be if we actually talked,
we seem to have an instanteously recognisable link,
that because isn't acted on creates this uncomfortable feeling or perhaps better described as a propulsion towards recognition of the other!

what part of self do i wish to experience in the face of calamity

2007-11-15T20:04:00.000+09:00

do i know ?
i've felt alone to suicidal points
i've felt without control to fainting points
i've felt useless to motionless points
i've felt frustrated to screaming point
i've felt unconnected to dislocation points
i've felt uninspired to not eating points
i've felt drained to dehydration points

what would it be that i should now be trying to experience from the same problem causing all the above feelings.
"conversations with god" says to not see it as a problem and not to make judgement on it and the pain will go away! i find it hard to ignore that sometimes i can't talk back!
i ask the whole to help me :) i wanna be alive!

14 year old

2007-11-14T22:35:00.000+09:00

so this 14 year old designed a poster on a transperth train i caught
...
i didn't really get the theme
the design was good
but it was the "concept" and all the pretense behind her doing the poster that just made me go..."bullshit", please!! like a 14 year old knows anything about trespassing!!
... i don't know... cynical yes but please the minimalistic design and her explanation, why do people try and converse about things that they dont know much about, or really why have a pretense that you do know something! by all means come up with a concept of your perception but please don't try and tell me you know!!
try hard!!
and i haven't said that since i was 14 :)

easy

2007-11-09T20:49:00.000+09:00

if only i asked and it was so
if only i thought and it happened
if only
maybe i gotta make more shit happen
ahhh im tired and the nights over now, nothing happened

new avatar of myself

2007-11-08T18:16:00.000+09:00

i don't know the exact definition of avatar other than its some animated construction usually of yourself
but i did hear a new expression of how i react which seems to characture my personality
when it comes to fight or flight i am a flight character right
my pyschiatrist gave me the analogy of when unable to flee, i like a little animal in the wild tries to make myself as small and inconspicuous as possible and thus avoid possible danger
in thinking about myself this way, all my physical characteristics seemed to fall into place
and on reflection i feel like plumping myself up, pushing out my fan of feathers and saying "huzzah, here i am in all my glory" just because i know that i do shrink and without warrant!
when it comes down to it, i always think people are relatively the same character there entire life, im yet to meet someone from school who was shy who has miraculously turned into the life of the party, although don't get me wrong i have seen people seem to be but knowing their character you can still see the evidence they carry of there existence
what im trying to say is, i suppose i realise its my character to avoid danger and shrivel and in this realisation i feel im ok with it, its only when its happening i dispise my lack of gusto but in detaching myself from the control of it i feel good :)

i think the question therefore is

2007-10-28T19:39:00.000+09:00

why do i try to not communicate / have trouble communicating ?
when this is the majority of human existance

seems like you or me

2007-10-28T19:19:00.000+09:00

he said you give up your links to material goods
you give up your jewellery and clothing
you give up your links to your friends
you give up your links to your brothers and sisters
but what got me was when he said you give up your choice of what food you were going to have
how can choosing food be bad... i mean i understand giving up desires but please if i couldn't have a chilli and cheese mrs macs pie every now and then i'd be like "why the hell not, i love the shit"
and this is in order for you choose a little room on a hill
with a courtyard you can pace on and be able to spend the rest of your days trying to reach enlightenment
buddists talk about this blissful state of just being in order not to be reincarnated
we are less "wise" i suppose by being human, we still have things to learn... this is what is taught

in my thinking i suppose i don't believe in this higher state of existence, or perhaps i do but its not something you only get after you've lived a certain way
a clear, not worldly orientated existence seems strange when you are of this world
its like saying im being but in order not to be here... slightly contradictory

anyway i think the strength it would take to live that existence is admirable
i suppose its a question of whether it would be worth it and because i don't consider this higher conciousness state something that is seperate from myself anyhow... i suppose i do consider it would be worthwhile if more parts of the whole / more humans were on this wavelength tho, so i guess i do think its worth it, i just don't know whether knowing i gave myself a human existance that it isn't a human existance that i am to lead

too generous

2007-10-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

ive been told to assert caution
vulnerability is my middle name if i don't
limit my nature or more harshen it
"harden up"... how many people have said that to me
is it really my downfall?
i know im not that assertive with others
for my own sense of self no worries
but infliction of myself onto the world and i fall down
why is it i hold the sense of others above my own
i don't feel equal
i used to feel i just wasn't the same
it was a feeling i took solace in and perhaps a confidence
now it becomes my weakness
and how is weakness not valid
how is it we have to be strong
i could say i blame the individualistic society and the lack of family but apparently that isn't it.
will it be the case that if i look for and give so generously that i will always be let down?
not accepting the equal positive and negative in the world leading to me always not getting what i'd like, because i do look for people to be so abundant?
the facts would say i do get easily let down
the facts would say i do give to readily
the facts would say i do always think the grass may be greener in a parallel universe
do i need to start being a different way in order to accept this universe
do i need to become like it, to harden up and get a bit more evil, more protective
am i afraid of hurting someone else because i understand pain or am i afraid cause it means i have to stand up and be counted too
more and more i think none of it is true
and you make of it what you choice
the more complexity i put into things and i do
the more they will appear so
i do know that i have always put myself second
this may be environmental, a product of a second position to a siblings needs
this may be...many things
i suppose its now how i make sure im not doing that in the future
cause the product is pain
or am i just listening to my dad, fuck knows!
yesterday i felt i had new tools to live by
now i again feel lost in it all
am i a turtle that denys it needs a shell?
i so readily accept the eb and flow of life in the ocean
am i really a seahorse out in the middle of the blue not protecting itself in the weeds?
am i really just being callis about life by not being a bit more of a bitch
perhaps its like when i used to not watch the news cause i didnt want to know all the bad things that were happening cause there was nothing i could do
i just don't know if i can be non-chalant
perhaps its my ego way of feeling more important by dwelling on my own doubt and then telling itself it understanding
whatever it is, im tired and im fucken sick of thinking about it

unforgiven

2007-10-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

its a measure of power
something seemingly never to be forgotten
time passes but that aint forgiveness
can you forgive an act of disrespect if it is constantly batting at your doorway
constantly grating your world and making you see the unkindness existent in life
i can forgive but i still don't want to go back there
even in a desperate attempt to have a mother
perhaps forgiveness involves not remembering it happened in the past
if someone was slapping me
i wouldn't just stand there
i'd walk away

Soko - I'll kill her

2007-10-14T18:29:00.001+08:00

pretty moving

the liberation of chance

2007-10-14T17:56:00.000+08:00

got the balls
tried my hand at city hitching
it seemed like so many free cars cruising along
i stop for a pie, thank god for servo's
i didn't think it was gonna happen
the more cars that passed the more i thought people were
scared or unsympathetic or not caring
then within a snap, things changed
i was excited and in a car and it all seemed to easy
it seemed like nothing to him
i liked the kindness of strangers
it was liberating to give it up for chance

gentle kisses soothe

2007-10-14T17:36:00.000+08:00

an unexpected surprise
almost makes me cum with its gentle nature
no hurry, no pressure and a little bit of time
and all of a sudden ive succumbed and wanting more

different people, different options
makes me wonder how i couldn't have tried this before
the sensations differ
its like my eyes are open
like i was only seeing half the options before

people do really offer the most sensory experience

kids films get me sometime

2007-10-13T16:58:00.000+08:00

http://pdl.stream.aol.com/newline/gl/newline/trailers/GC/GoldenCompass_TSR1_Med_dl.mov

they could really use a little more fantasy in adults films too :)

drifting in and out of ok

2007-10-12T18:28:00.000+08:00

my mouth drys
from the burning of the decaying goods
the dressage of the breath with smoke
they should make food infused air

i hinder swallowing water
sucking at the bad tastes which are leftover
the bacteria creates a foulness
the last products of decomoposition are unappealing to all the senses

cleansing the palette
making way for "more", for the new
all reactions propel a further reaction
im at a loss, who made these choices of these reactions

its not all about me
dungbeetles enjoy poo

im a free pawn
there is no freedom in that
interaction isn't reason enough to create a pawn
from the pawns perspective that is

if its so important just to "be"
why didn't the illusive "god" / lifeforce just be
why did it need to see itself, create things
boredom. compulsion. lonliness

i hanker for another cigarette
if only to feel the breathe with more certainty
and wallow in more senses
let another ten minutes pass

i don't think im very good with people

2007-10-12T00:29:00.000+08:00

as much as i'd like to be that person who everyone wants to know
im not
i don't want to be that person
i don't think im very good with people tho
good, meaning i could convey successfully my essence
i think i have more characteristics which are not ones you convey
nah thats bullshit
im just not that good at conveyance
just like im not good at sales
and im not good at showing off
and im not good at something else (sounds better in 3's)
i come away from a lot of interactions that don't involve booze and think i could have been "more"
but really i couldn't
because im not that good at conveyance, even tho there may be "more"
ive got boundaries and barriers and green picket fences
ive got insecurities and attitude and a physical latitude
i suppose the only reason im dissatisfied tho is because i'd like to convey more
is it ok to accept inadequacy at this
if i thought so i wouldn't be dissatisfied
i think i need to start doing more introverted activities
maybe i miss old friends and forfilling connections
maybe im always dissatisfied until i look to the past as a comparison and see good times
maybe im a grumpy old man
maybe im my father.... god no!(terrible but true)
from the easy going exteria to the hard to please sense of self
if im made to be this way then what would be my purpose?
who would make something that isn't pleased
if in lining up for lives i received the "never content" human role i'd have to be a bit pissed off
so im observing the "never content" nature of my being
nuh
still nothing, i have no reason as to why to be genetically built that way
maybe im not built that way but am choosing to be that way you say
i know im not like that
i choose equality and cruisiness and happy vibes, thats what i'd choose
and i'd say "bugger that" to doing the hard yards if i could choose easy street
i honestly don't think in the grand scheme of things there is a choice
the choice is to have interaction or not
to have a positive and a negative in order to "get ready to rumble"
and i personally got dealt me hand and me leg and all me little neurotransmitter bits and thats it!
sometimes i think i change and grow and la de da
and then cyclically i come back and realise ive just been getting by without really thinking to much about it
less thinking = more okness with things
i am what i am eh!
its all this changing that i try to do that is really how i go to shit
"the desire to be more than you are", who the fuck invented that!
nah im just shitty, i feel so emo right now
god those little fuckers shit me
i understand the need for change and the desire for change
its inherent, i feel it
just feels wrong sometimes, like im doing it wrong
i wish it was as simple as a computer program and i could just change the components and fix me
"press button now for new sense of self"
"press green button for greater sense of confidence and we'll include a free set of tits"
this blog has become my disgruntlement, im sure its not all bad and everything will be ok.... thats what they say
i see no end to the positive and negative nature of nature
so i'll wade through the disgruntlement, this is what i've become and i haven't conveyed it to anyone

solipsism....one of those words i always intend to use

2007-10-10T16:39:00.000+08:00

sol·ip·sism [sol-ip-siz-uhm] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	Philosophy. the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.

2.	extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.

heretic - something im going to try more to be... it seems there is no point not questioning and it comes so natural

reading... an expansion

2007-10-10T16:03:00.000+08:00

i'm having a deja vu moment, i think i've written about this before!
the more i read and sift through different ideas and thoughts that others are having (mainly through blogs), the more i feel like life or the one i involve myself in most of the time is so insular! talking of whats happened to who and what so and so did, the world of actions seems like a time consuming endevour. reading thoughts of evolution and change and being or not or the what if's seem like such a broadening of my scope endevour that it makes me think of all the time i waste! although only a component of life i feel this is often neglected and definitely its more often read than spoken of!
the what if's, i feel connected to these :)

facebook dilemmas

2007-10-10T12:51:00.000+08:00

so im on there
facebook
and everytime i make something better on the page
i feel worse
like "who is this for?"
i don't like it
i don't like the "entourage" app
i don't like the "likeness" app
i don't like the comparisons that you make just on flicking to someones page
i feel like im year 1 and i didn't make the cut for the popular group
its ridiculous
i really wanna delete my profile
but it does allow me to connect to my friends
to be honest i feel like a voyeur
voy·eur (voi-yûr') Pronunciation Key
n.

A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point.
An obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects.

i don't actually feel like im concerned with my friends
i feel like im watching neighbours or something
knowing all their tid bits about who they are friends with and how
i feel like everything is defined
if someone doesn't invite you as a friend maybe they don't consider you one
if someone does are you really a friend?
its a sordid affair and i can't seem to detach myself from constantly checking
sor·did [sawr-did] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective

1.	morally ignoble or base; vile: sordid methods.

2.	meanly selfish, self-seeking, or mercenary.

3.	dirty or filthy.

4.	squalid; wretchedly poor and run-down: sordid housing.

i feel like they have sucked me in with allowing me to connect with people i love
and then destroyed the connection by allowing me to make judgements based on a webpage and viewing their "other" connections second hand and not through direct contact and communication
i feel dirty
back in the day they used to say "telephone conversation just aren't as good as visually communicating", now im communicating without even being asked or asking myself
i used to use the internet as expression
and the random people i met was a connection based on likeness of this style
it feels like the popular people have come in and wrecked the purity
like any event /place which used to be awesome when it smalltime and had such a great atmosphere
and then when it became really big it lost the vibe
perhaps i just can't connect in big groups
anyhow i hate facebook

moths eh

2007-10-09T16:23:00.000+08:00

"one moment" you are noticing the semi annoying flutter that passes your face every half hour while on the couch

"the next moment" your inspecting the small buildup of dust, weaved intricately into a cocoon that puts your needlework into the category of grotesque forms

apon "a further moment" you acknowledge the existence of at least 30 odd little cocoons in cracks around the room, you contimplate them as a pest for the first time, from previously just being an interesting intrusion

a "desperation moment" forms, as you consider that you don't know the progression or eradication of this little intrusion, that could becoming a rather large annoyance and thus proceed to scour the net for information

in a "frustration moment" no less, you discover that there are 60 odd types of moths in australia and god damn most of them are pretty damn amazingly coloured and beautiful

the "questioning moment" then begins again, about your knowledge on moths and the lack of it before this point and you finally discover a webpage stating yours is a common house moth

and with the "solution moment" you find in your cupboard, as promised on the webpage, a bag of dried spices, which altho you'd zip locked still contained little moth bugs / eggs

in the further "retrospective moment", you realise this is quite a long moment between all these progressive steps and that limited knowledge, does mean it takes time between sight and solution

that was my past moment :)

and u wouldn't have believed me if i hadn't got ..

2006-06-15T12:31:00.000+08:00

the sign :)

i also bought a model version of it... damn i collected some crap in vegas!

to a certain degree my favourite part of pointing to the sign was when i was pointing at it disappearing into the dust of the rearview, damn its a hard city, so much walking... up one huge pyramid... down one huge pyramid... swing across one circus tent and down one pirate ship... and so much flashing shit to distract the eyes... anyhow been there done that.. got way too many bloody tshirts :)

i now know i can create flashy shit, as i have a tendancy to distract the eyes with such things and know they are not in vegas... the city of big bloody flashing lights :)

hurrah... aim ... achieved.... its the little goals in life which feel good :)

showgirls ahoy

2006-06-15T12:26:00.000+08:00

thats right look at the shame i put these 2 showgirls to, they look like tall lanky brown people compared to me ha!

if only there were millions of these girls wandering the streets like i'd dreamed :) ... one day i'll get that dream recorder and then i shall never need to leave the house again :)

its my favourite street in vegas

2006-06-15T12:24:00.000+08:00

its in old vegas and it has a tv screen 4 football fields long.... and they have this wicked images that flash from one end to the other of fighter planes and alien landings and yep its cool...

please ignore bad angle cause yes the tv is on the roof :)

how very standard model

2006-02-24T13:56:00.000+08:00

a concocted theory with a friend has led me to view most people as a standard model.

its like the car you buy the basic model or you can pay extra and get the accesories or just buy an older car with character or whatever. its amazing how many people end up being pretty standard. their mental box entends only as far as they know and doesn't extend into wanting or trying to understand or conceive things from a perspective other than their own.

how odd that most people survive through interaction with others but have very little desire to accept a true self but prefer an idea of normal or a comfortable, easy to deal, with standard model.

why i keep putting myself in these circumstances i don't know, it only hurts on realisation that they don't really understand or even desire to unstable themselves in pursuit of knowledge

lovin it

2006-02-17T15:52:00.000+08:00

god i feel awesome,
everything is going so smoothly,
im enjoying being me,
im free from responsibility to friend or foe alla a partner
and i fuckin love it!

it like someone has just said
"run along child,
go play in the playground"
im scampering around going
"wooo hoo ! look at me

i went to datarock last nite.
duckin awesome little fuckers
it definitely helped with the way i feel today,
they really got me vibed,
i love funny fuckers

white stripes

2006-02-13T09:54:00.000+08:00

ok so you can't see much and almost have to just believe me when i say this is the white stripes.

but if you were at all a fan you might recognise meg's 70's sport shorts and jacks intensity of the guitar

time disappearance

2006-02-10T13:43:00.000+08:00

i manage to dwindle away time,
scoping this, checking that,
no output forthcoming.

does it add my dissatisfaction, yes
how is it im so attracted to flashy moving things :P

couple kafuffle

2006-02-08T15:02:00.000+08:00

my shoulder chip today is couples.

how many so called friends do u loose to this phenomena, i mean obviously i don't want them anyhow seeing they are such drips in a relationship but im a bit over being second class conversation or hanging around people who "used to have" personality but now resort to cooing grrrrr

so im liquidating my friends and am on the uptake for independant people who aren't products of sex alone, but have acquired a sense of self. friend said to me the other day "where are the people with depth" i replied there was no point lookin in this ere town, it seems i had more of an idea than i thought.

im feelin like most people are a waste of effort. not to mention my stat's on losers have increased from the previous 85% of the population to probably about 97%

penguin slap

2006-02-06T14:45:00.000+08:00

testing testing new photobucket bloggin :)

altime favourite slapstick moment and they ain't even human, probably why its so funny its unbelieveably situated comedy :)

viewpoint

2006-02-02T17:07:00.000+08:00

its grotesque
i look at the chunk of cooked chicken in slow mo
as it wobbles on the end of the fork
it scares me to think of eating it
the unknown factor of its effect on my body
yes the full feeling, i know but its
the hormones and the pecking itself to death mentality of the chicken and
the other "affecting" properties
their effect, only a mindset really
yes the full feeling thats why i eat
its grotesque
i put my fork down

departure from self

2006-01-23T14:53:00.000+08:00

ok so there are a few things i wish to change

like any dependancy on social interaction. self sufficiency full charge ahead.

i also wish to decrease comparative thinking. although beneficial in arguement and in research, its highly undesireable in my personal life. i shall do this through an increase in self absorption. sounds ludicrus i know but im guarenteed to think less of others / comparision to :)

so sounds like im in for a narsisstic year, well i haven't had one before so who knows maybe its what it takes to be happy to play a role in this manipulative society.

so morbid, i am definitely adding to the list of must change mentalities, a decrease in degrogitory thought on a place i happen to be in... society.

pee time

2005-12-21T11:37:00.000+08:00

grrrr i'll write this and then pee

resist, resist and again, "jane fonda resist"

"feel the burn" i used to love it when she said that

what a sexy ass bitch :)

anyhow i was going to add to the many blogs ranting about the onset of xmas but fuck it, i'll induldge in the fact that its a built up and maybe find a friend to do something bizarre with.... searching, searching.... ok well maybe it'll be all about moi :) and some inventive headspace to induldge in :)

watching blood

2005-12-16T13:18:00.000+08:00

i sit watching blood drip, with a plop sound into the toilet bowl

it dispiates slowly, the thicker more gluggy consistency forming jellyfish blobs which bop around

thats my blood in that bowl

im a leaky vessel

taking corners fast

2005-12-16T09:55:00.000+08:00

i've decided i'm sick of hanging with these people who fear living.
fear doing things and a stuck in a society bound world of restriction.
i'm going to actively seek people who say "fuck it" and give it a go anyway. i think i did this anyway but now i'm not settling for less... or realistically at least until i need friends.

i wanna hang with the people who like to take corners fast.
go exploring in deserted buildings when they walk by
say "come on" and run to things cause they are so excited
and who i'm happy to go on random roadtrips to nowhere and i'll know that it'll be good just cause they inspire me

damn i want this

company i keep

2005-12-15T17:06:00.000+08:00

i pride myself on being casual and having a lax attitude not because i don't know anything more dignified but i enjoy comedic banter at a semi-feral level.
on reflection on the company i thus tend to keep i don't seem to have many intelligent, witty humoured friends. they seem to be a rarer species as i age too. like is it so impossible to have intellegence and bare bummed humour ? i see people, who look like they have it and i wonder why my attraction barrier is up with them.i would really like to know how i seem to have friends from ever sector of every stereotype bar the one that is similar to me. i must search more for the rare species, hunt down and mate with it!
if anything is lacking in my life its equal company. not that you necessarily need equality to have good company but bloody hell it'd be nice once in a while.i don't think i'm cool enough when i'm around these people, for some reason i don't fair well. i was watching the virgin suicides last nite and kirsten dunst has this semi ackwardness when she kisses the trip dude, but somehow cool people seem to make this akwardness seem cool and dags like me just seem akward. i strive to be comfortable only to be shown up by t.v yet again.i think its time for less comparison and more doing tho.

oooo new link box

2005-12-14T17:43:00.000+08:00

perhaps i was behind the times but i don't believe i had a link box before and really i read how to use it and too much work at mo

offical blowup
blow out
blown fuse
big badazzle

blown eh... its a popular term really, to make comment to the bursting of a bubble.
how is it everything is so dramatic and undealable in the moment and later i am able to distance myself and say "what a tool"
i partially blame being a woman, a veritable waiting to burst bubble of emotions and chemical composition.
i reliquish,
i hand over the joy stick,
i can't fucking deal with being so emotional,
body change now please mr controller :)

overopinionated troublemaker

2005-12-11T10:07:00.000+08:00

my mouth is a big overopinionated troublemaker.
often it serves me well in terms of outlandish commentary of a semi - eclectic nature
othertimes i am a dogmatic, tool :P
anyhow enough beration. maybe i can convert the crap to cool or maybe i'll just end up feelin like this :
"insert image "which am incapable of doing" of napolean dynamite"

feckers

2005-12-09T10:07:00.000+08:00

i wish there was a fucken category called fuckin feckers and their fucken stigmata into ur life.
sometimes i just can't deal with people and their talk, i've spent an hour listening to family ramblings and now i'm so fucken irrate i can't say anything without a "i told u so" tone or a "fucken think about it !!" tone.
i definitely have an attitude problem and as much as i know i have one, i can't think of any other satisfactory way to deal with the little feckers

foot in mouth

2005-12-07T05:54:00.000+08:00

ooo just put my foot in it at work and told boss well i could always just take a sicky to get my way.... aaahh oops
now i can't stop thinking about how he probably thinks im a snappy tom... oh well its done now :P

world of possibilities

2005-12-06T19:09:00.000+08:00

anyway i was going to put which music i was listening too...it didn't come up so its www.myspace.com/themotifs
i was looking for the rollerskates (perth band) if they are on here help me ? and i found this chick, she's quite good, she reminds me of some hippy love chant which is sort of cool
can't get enough action... i seem to always want to do a little more and never quite get there... presumeably cause i invent more things i want to do... i envision a world of infinite possibility and wonder if it would be forfilling
no comments on how this world is that world, this does not go with that at susans.

2005-11-28T16:54:00.000+08:00

im obsessed with these random generators that tell me they know me,

i think someone must know what's going on if i don't

2005-11-28T16:52:00.000+08:00

Your Fortune Is

Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

i love this thing, i also love the real thing :)

2005-11-28T16:51:00.000+08:00

Your Fortune Is

Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

2005-11-28T16:38:00.000+08:00

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

2005-11-28T16:37:00.000+08:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?